where all the beauty came from

God Grows

2011-06-18T15:20:00.001-03:00

This day is pregnant with possibility.
It would be foolish for an expecting Mum
To not expect her child to come,
Though she waits in preparation.
Intracacies and life necessities must be formed each day
Before the hour of birthing comes.
Can her will rush it along?
No more than will could put it off.
The day will come.

This day is pregnant with possibility.
I choose to wait, expectant.
Things are growing, just beneath the surface.
I cannot hasten; I cannot halt.
So I live
And love
And laugh
And bawl
And wait
And radiantly trust that You,
Father of dreams,
Are also Lord of time
And Your plans for this child
Won't come through
A moment overdue.

To the Beginning

2011-06-15T21:09:00.002-03:00

What I thought I knew might not be true.
What I've dreamed about and said was You
May well have been just me.
We'll see;
Take me back to the beginning.

Strip me of ideals and boxes,
Bent from years of me standing on them.
Bring me down from their crooked perch
To stand alone on You,
My Rock,
Replace my box.

If I've thought wrong, re-think my thoughts.
If I've dreamed sideways guide these dreamy highways
To Your Kingdom.
What if I was wrong...
If what I want never does unfold...
If my hopes for Your Kingdom are not You own...
If You've still no plans to 'conquer Rome'
But bring liberty to captivity?
Can You still use me?

Raise Your Name in place of mine -
Make Jesus great through me made small.
Start at the beginning now;
Messiah, be my all in all.

What Remains

2011-05-28T07:41:00.007-03:00

I've been missing writing. Since 2009 I haven't penned much new. In an effort to get back into the swing of it, I've decided to post regular entries here to share some works from the past few years. Here's one of the last ones I wrote, in the winter of 2009.

What Remains

What remains under the sun

When none is new and all's been done

Is the breath of a man,

Breathed in and breathed out.

A sigh. A vapour. A lullaby.

None is new

Yet none the same

As what once was

Or what will come.

What remains upon the clay

When night's rolled past to another day

Is the heart of a man,

Beating once, beating twice.

A rumble. A cry. A song of life.

None beats true

Yet none so false

As to love life less

Than the price love costs.

What remains within the breeze

When the winds of change blow constant unease

Is the soul of a man,

Held in, now poured out.

An ache. A prayer. A God-ward writhe.

As each came before

This soul shall once more

Breathe in and beat out,

Cross earth to Heaven's door.

What remains in the expanse above

When the hour's expired, time's grasp undone

Is the core of a man

Shaped by what's passed

Hands of Grace: times of ache

Heart of Love: when he was crushed

Nothing new under the sun

Save this: a spirit breathed upon

By the only One Who remains

When all else slips away.

Even so; God alone, He remains.

Running, a Community Sport

2010-08-28T15:29:00.004-03:00

Until my final year of university, I always played team sports. Actually, I always played basketball. Now and then, I might have dabbled in a rec round of soccer or badminton, but I lived for basketball. At times I struggled with selfishness in this team sport. I wanted to achieve a personal high score, I wanted to be MVP, I wanted to be a star; but ultimately, above all else, I wanted my teammates and I to win! We worked hard individually, but we were in it together, all of us aware that victory would be elusive if we did not have each other, if we did not work for and with each other.

Nearing the end of my senior year of college ball (which feels like "way back when" at this point in my life) I realized that I wouldn't likely be in a situation in the future where team sports would be consistenly accessible. So I took up running. But, being a very driven, workaholic sort, I decided that I would only run if it were to train for a half marathon. Twenty-one kilometers seemed quite out of reach initially, but click by click, I built endurance and over a few years ran 4 half marathons. I trained with a few pals, but never felt that running was a group thing. Until recently.

A few months back I decided that this was the year to train for a full marathon race, here in my home province. I started training, built up mileage, blah, blah, blah. It seemed so empty. I wanted running to have more of a purpose than just getting in great shape. In my heart, I was running for my Mom...so then we made it official. I would run the marathon to raise support for her medical expenses. Running started to become about something more than Me: The Star! It became about her.

As some donations have been coming in for Mum, and friends have joined our "group" of support, I have begun to feel the community of running. And as I thought more I realized that, though I may be the legs trodding out the miles, I would be completely helpless without the aid of my Dad, who brought me bottles of water on my country run 3 weeks back. I would never have had the strength to finish my 28k city run last weekend if it weren't for my husband meeting me every 7 miles with bottles of electrolytes and water, for getting up early with me on his cherished sleep-in Saturday to eat carbs and get running before the sun got too hot. I would have been quite overwhelmed without the encouragement of Mum, of co-workers, of friends for cheering me on as I run, and Mum on as she battles her illnesses. My frame may be the one jogging down the road and (with God's grace) crossing the marathon finish line in October, but it is the framework of commnuity that carries me there.

So, finally, I am part of a team sport again, only the goal is not to trample an opponent, but to uplift and support the most beautiful woman I know. Thanks to any and all of you who are part of the team. Whether you ever lace up your sneaks to hit the pavement or not, you are my "community runners."

Run for Mum - Pattiann Mitchell

2010-08-21T18:28:00.003-03:00

As many of you know, I've been tracking miles and training to run the PEI marathon this October 17. Though it's quite an undertaking and seems rather crazy, there is, in fact, meaning to the madness! I will be running the 42 kilometer (26 mile) race as a fundraiser for my Mum, Pattiann Mitchell.

Pattiann is a beautiful woman, an elegant writer, a creative chef, caring wife, giving friend, and my incredible mother. An inspiriation to all who know her for her grace and strength, she has struggled with chronic illness for over 30 years. Having been attended to by countless physicians, she has been assessed, diagnosed, given medications, re-assessed, and re-diagnosed numerous times throughout the years with a myriad of mixed-connective tissue diseases and other ailments, including rheumatoid arthritis, epilepsy, scleroderma, and lupus. Recent issues with her eyes, throat, and breathing have led her to several specialists on PEI for treatment and have also spurred her on to finally seek out medical attention out of province this October. The many medications she has been prescribed and the medical interventions she has received in recent years have incurred heavy expense, as will the upcoming trip in October and the ensuing treatment.

I have longed to do something to aid her and my father, Kevin, in managing the cost for many years and this summer have come up with an idea, but I can't do it alone. I'll run the PEI marathon on October 17, just over one week before Mum's medical trip to upstate New York. I am inviting friends and family who know and love Mum, and anyone else with a heart to get involved, to join with us and donate whatever you can to help cover the cost of the travel, Doctor's visit, and prescribed treatment. Again, the race is 42 kilometers (26 miles) long. Donations can be made either per kilometer or mile that I finish (I plan to conquer them all!) or as a lump sum. You will find a "Donate" button located to the right of this post, in the bar on the side of my blog. Simply click and follow the link if you'd like to make a donation.

Many of you have already been an incredible support and care system for Mum and our family over the years and we are so thankful for you. I believe there is healing to be found for my mother. We cherish your prayers for her and support with us as we continue to press forward asking for miracles. I'll be updating this blog and facebook regarding my marathon training progress and news about Mum. Check back now and then and share the journey with us. Thanks and love to all!

Voices

2010-07-15T17:45:00.003-03:00

The running dialogue that undercurrents my life and subconscious thoughts holds itself taunt, in a stick straight line containing these two opposing suggestions: I am no one special, whom no one really likes, who will never really succeed and, I am everything wonderful, number one itself, deserving all the best of honor, success, and first place in every line. It is a tiresome tightrope walk through day to day, balancing these thoughts and trying to fight or contradict one or the other without pause. Can you identify? Half of me feels I'm so undeserving of God fulfilling His desires - our dreams - for my life, while the other half says I am being robbed at every turn of all the rights and privileges belonging to me. How to quite these thoughts, both destructive and inaccurate? Jesus. He gave His Life, He emptied Himself, He forsook His rights and offerred me Himself. Whether people like me or not, He pursues me. Whether the dreams I have stored deep in my soul for the brief moments I'll be given on earth unfold the way I wish or not, He has lived the model I can follow for a meaningful existence: servanthood. Acceptance. Grace. Selflessness. Whether my subconscious calls me number one or bottom rung, Queen or pauper from day to day, Jesus is the All and Everything. Be silenced, running dialogue, that the Lord of intimacy might whisper His truths. Loved. Remembered. Treasured. Lost and swallowed up in the grace of God. May these be the new words repeating in my ear, and yours, each day. Forever loved we are.

Life

2010-06-08T20:52:00.002-03:00

Have you ever suddenly felt the brevity of it all? Have you ever instantaneously realized that each breath is a gift; each person we love is an indescribable treasure and each memory we build with them a precious gem? Every morning we wake up with the opportunity of going to work again, sitting through traffic again, cooking supper again is an immense miracle. The fact that God hasn't stop sustaining us, that we haven't driven ourselves into the dust, that we haven't been snuffed out by tragedy or swallowed up in our own baggage and pain is a testimony every day to the beautiful heart of God, extending Himself, reaching out to us and yelling that we are His beloved. Tonight I am thankful to God for the miracle of life. Busy, scheduled, responsibility filled life that is also magical, glorious, awe-inspiring, and filled to the brim with a loving Abba Who keeps the whole thing going through Jesus, the Word of Life, the Breath of Life, the beginning and finisher of Life. Even when this brief flicker of existence we experience on earth blows out, in Him will we continue to live, free, convinced of Him, stupefied by Him, and completely awake in that moment of just being His. Continue us, Lord, in Your Life always.

Temporary

2010-05-12T19:38:00.003-03:00

I've been thinking recently about how things often don't seem to remain. You eat a meal, you're hungry again in a few hours, (or a few minutes if you're my husband). Hunger inevitably returns. You wake up, go to work, tend the kids, cook the meal, do the dishes, chat with someone you love, lay your head down, only to do it all again tomorrow. The finished checklist settled at the end of each day seems to be fresh and filled up by the time the sun rises again. Life sometimes feels cyclical and that used to frustrate me. I'm starting to see it a little differently.

It's true that no matter how many times we enjoy the company of a loved one, thrill at exploring new countries, laugh at great movies, cry at touching books, or delve deeply into a good cup of coffee, once never seems to be enough. We need more - we need "again." We yearn for the temporary to be...what?

I used to think this yearning was just a signpost of the materialistic nature of society these days, but just lately I've seen it as the opposite. Perhaps all the cycles, the repeition without fulfillment, the enjoyment without utter satisfaction is meant to remind us that we, as people, are in fact transient. Just as these moments or things cannot stay, neither will we. We were made for more. We were made to reach out for the eternal, everlasting, and all these fleeting enjoyments or challenges are in place to remind us day after day, meal after meal, one visit, one cup of coffee at a time that we are made for an Eternal Lover Who is drawing us into His unfading, fully satisfying Self, now and in the life to come.

That's why we need to sing to Him again and again, talk with Him over and over, read about Him, study Him, chat with others about Him, enjoy Him, touch Him, taste and see Him repetitiously because each encounter is a momentay glimpse of a ceaseless God Who declares in sweet whispers through the longings of our souls that there is so much more than meets the eye. There is forever in the temporal because life itself is the undying Spirit of God breathing through you and me as we live, breathe, and repeat. Repeat. Repeat...

Come Back

2010-04-23T21:07:00.002-03:00

Well, if anyone is reading this, you might be as surprised as I am that they haven't deleted this dormant blog and given up on it's slumbering would-be writer. On the advice of a dear friend, I have felt empassioned to take up blogging again. Since the most recent post, which I see is dated last August, a few events of significance have transpired for me. Let's see...I fell in love, tied the knot just a few weeks back, moved in with my husband, and became the most blessed woman on the planet. I guess those are the bigs things. Together, while engaged, we also were so fortunate to enjoy a season in Israel, the Land that possesses my heart. It was a sweet reunion for me with beloved friends and the beautiful Land and it was my husband's first time to soak in the glory, beauty, ache, and God-filled-ness of it all. How I yearn to go back again and again - how I long to write the book(s) God has given me to pen about that Land and her people. That, in part, is why I feel compelled to blog again. Since moving back to Canada, after many years away - the most recent being a year spent in Jerusalem - I have not written more than a few lines. God created me to write. To worship Him with words and to share His words and heart with others, building them up and reminding of hope and Sweet Jesus. I have not had the courage as of late, nor the time or energy, to do any of that. In the past year something else of note has transpired: God has re-born me again. I can't pinpoint it in words, but somehow through this marriage business God is showing me His face afresh, His loyalty and devotion to me again and again through my husband. He proved His faithfulness and tender care for us both through the love and support of friends and family at our wedding. He has somehow cracked my heart open again and is pouring the breath of His Spirit into these dried up bones. So, now, finally because He speaks and I hear Him, I am ready to write again. So, if any of you are still out there, I'm here too; waiting on Abba, prepared to share His sentiments, the tales of His children, and the wonder of life with you. It feels so incredible when, all of a sudden, life comes back to you and God is new all over again and all He wants is you. Be near Him now!

My Students Are Contagious

2009-08-24T15:37:00.005-03:00

I teach English as a second language. I've been working with a class of adult students, graded as level "zero" in language skills, for the last two months. They are absolutely inspiring. All are from China. Some of them came to my class after being in Canada for only 15 days. I'm blessed to be the first Canadian they have a real connection and relationship with. I'm thankful God grants me patience and energy to help them in their language journey day after day.

Somedays, the faux pas made in class are unbelievably hilarious. This morning, for example, the students were asking each other, "What do you wear at home...at work...on special occasions?" Bing, my funniest student, upon being asked about clothing for special occasions, struggled through answering, "I wear a T-shirt and sun hat when I go....." the whole class was shouting at him, "special occcasion? T-shirt? Hat??" He completed the sentence with, "When I go SWIMMING!" so I wrote that on the board and the class burst into laughter. Then he said, "no, no, when I go fishing!" Then Bing was to ask Feng one of the three approved questions, but, always being creative, he instead mumbled through, "Feng, what do you wear when you go to swimming?" Feng tried to reply with something about not swimming. While he was answering I was correcting his grammar and simply wrote on the board, "I don't" which I quickly realized could have easily been misconstrued as "I don't wear anything, I skinny dip..." so I speedily scrawled the rest of his meaning on the board and the class again erupted in laughter over the situation. They are a delightful group.

The icing on it all was this afternoon in reading class as they learned about yawning and how it is contagious. As the final reflection exercise they had to write a list on the board of things they do in our school, then select what they enjoy most. From a list of nine daily activities that they created, including things like reading, writing, practicing speaking, listening to CD's, etc... half the students said that their favorite thing about our class is that "We make love contagious to anybody." That is the sweetest way to end a work day, knowing that there are new immigrants who feel loved and who share laughter while straining through textbooks and starting a new life in a foreign land. I am blessed with work and with a classroom full of contagious love.

You Are On Our Side

2009-07-19T07:53:00.001-03:00

Gabriel and the Vagabond

2009-07-12T15:31:00.002-03:00

Herein we find hope: a Man came for us, bled for us, reached for us, fought for us, lifted us from poverty and set us with Royalty. He makes all things new. May you hear His whisper to you today; hope.

He Breathes

2009-07-05T16:33:00.002-03:00

He breathes; she sighs
He draws; she waits
He lingers; she kneels
Time slips by:
A moment...two...life moves...
His picture forgotten?
Her life unseen?
No, while she waits HE dreams.

Hands lift; heart beats
Paint drips; eyes weep
His eyes; her face
Time stands still:
Words spoke...brush strokes...Life shown...
His picture revealed
The beauty concealed.

While she waited HE painted the scene
So her living gave life to His dreams.

Inspired by the life of a friend, this Fall past.

Life Rolls By

2009-07-04T09:31:00.006-03:00

It's an understatement to say it's been awhile since I've written. Over the spring and early summer many things have filled my hours. I have been studying for a teaching English as a second language certification while teaching adult new immigrants and refugees in PEI full-time. God has expanded my heart and surprised me with deep love for these people from China, Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Sri Lanka, El Salvador, Mexico, Venezuela, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Afghanistan, Germany, Israel, Turkey, and Quebec! I see the heart of God painted on the faces of all these nations. I feel His heart beating for them. Teaching and caring for them has consumed many of my days.

Over the spring and early summer God has surprised me with love; He has filled my life with beautiful people and rich relationships. My hours have been full of walking through life with my church family. Two weeks ago we lost a brother from this family in a tragic truck accident. He left behind four children and a wife. We have walked through deep grief together and are experiencing God together as Healer. Pray for this family that God will breathe life into their ashes and hope into their mourning.

Through all the busyness and surprises of the last four months God has captured me with life. Even in our times of grief and pain, through letting go of my own dreams, through trusting God with my mother's health, through watching those I love struggle to learn a language and make a new life, through walking with precious family as they mourn the loss of a husband, father, and friend, through joys and sorrows and disappointments, confusion, anger, laughter, shock, and sleeplessness, through the mundane day to day stuff, through daring to risk my heart, through the rich blessing of relationship, in it all God has shown me Life. He is a God of resurrection. He brings the dead back from the grave and breathes His Spirit into weak and shattered souls. He is good and He fills our lives with good things, even in the midst of difficulty. He is Himself, in all seasons. He is now, here, with us and He wants us to just be here now, with Him.

So through the spring and early summer as I haven't been blogging I've just been being, which is not an new idea but is a new reality for me. In HIM we live and move and have our being and that is enough. As life rolls by I'll try to post here more often, but I've learned much about just living the moments God has set out before me. I must just go and live them in presentness and awareness that God, Who promises to be His brilliant Self, is faithful. Be here now, awake to the pain, the joys, the doubts, the surprises, the Love. Just be here now, becuase here is where HE is. And HE is Love. May you be found in Him today.

How Day is Made

2009-04-24T20:51:00.005-03:00

In the shade of my night
A ray of Your light
Sneaks in, un-beckoned
And settles.

In this space, damp and cold
You breathe on the glow
And Your warmth this darkness
Mellows.

As they fall and they rise
Your breaths waken the skies
And the sun dispels
The shadows.

A new day, a new hope
In You, enfolded,
Your light leads, we see
And follow.

** ** ** ** ** **
How can I breathe without You?
I do not want to try.
You are my being; You are my seeing.
Your light is my life.

Beauty

2009-04-16T21:48:00.005-03:00

I see beauty in the nations; in the faces and languages and hearts of people from all over the world. I am blessed to have a classroom full of students from China, Japan, Korea, Peru, El Salvador, Saudi Arabia, Iran, and Sri Lanka. A few weeks ago my family had 20 of my Chinese students out to our house for a potluck - they tried our food, we enjoyed theirs. Their English is quite limited, as they are the newest class at our school, but their hearts are big and with the help of cameras, food, smiles, and lots of loud laughs we crossed the language barrier and found new family among the nations right here in my home town. Abba is good.

This last one is a photo of my dear fellow "God's special operations" worker. She just came home from several months overseas. With the overlap in our international journies we hadn't seen each other in over a year and a half. Seeing Deb for the first time in that long was beautiful; it led me to that place inside of God's heart where even all the pain met along the way to "the place where all the beauty comes from" gets painted with the colors of His love and grace. Beauty: friends, family, and strangers sharing life in the love of God.

Seeking Bread

2009-03-26T22:26:00.011-03:00

Fill Up my heart; You satisfy

Trade in this heavy stone for the True Bread of Life

Open me up with this hunger for

Something better than lies

What can answer this longing inside?

Only You satisfy.

I have been mulling over John 6 for the past number of weeks. In it Jesus had performed a miracle by multiplying fish and bread to feed a host of people. Then He walked on the water to cross the lake where He had sent His disciples. The people He had fed followed Him there the next morning looking for more food and He answered them in effect saying, "You do not come to Me for a sign or the Truth - you came because your bellies were hungry." Then the people started grumbling against Him. I find it interesting that the hungers God places inside of us are there to draw us to Him because He alone satisfies. But in our confusion we get angry when the thing we crave is withheld so we turn that longing for Jesus into a murmur, a "grumble" against Him. The words above are from a song I wrote last week about this idea, that all the desires I have are actually there to entice me to Jesus because He alone is the True Bread of Life, the Satisfier, the Sustainer, the One Who fills me up.

In our weariness and hunger we can come to Him and find fullness and freedom from the crushing loads we hold. Trade in your heavy stones, friends. Be satisfied in Jesus as He is.

Fill up our hearts; You satisfy

Signs of Life

2009-03-21T18:27:00.003-03:00

I saw an ant crawling on the gym floor yesterday

A fly is buzzing overhead

The bright red mud is staining my shoes

Sunshine and smiles are more frequently found.

The seasons have changed.

"If winter comes, can spring be far behind?"

(Percy Bysshe Shelley)

I looked for Him

And found Him

In everything I see

In every wind,

Every twig,

The song creation sings.

Risen,

Near,

Breathing still -

Here.

When the time is right

He springs forth life

From a cold, hard winter.

My Abba

Is beautiful.

What's Been Beautiful This Week

2009-03-15T22:10:00.008-03:00

ice on the winter trees, sparkling in the sunrise

a friend's little girl dancing unashamed in their living room

Jack's giggle

playing tag

writing new songs with friends

farmer's markets

helping new immigrants find home and family

Ariel learning English

hope

disappointments and new beginnings

my mother

dear friend soon coming home from a battle well fought, a race well run

not knowing tomorrow

thriving in today's right now

old movies, new friends

childhood pictures

community, compassion, tenderness and trust

living out worship

being loved

seeing Him everywhere; finding enough grace, always.

Shining

2009-03-04T21:29:00.004-04:00

the darkness is passing;

the true light is already shining

therefore, it is time...

to walk into 'next'

to embrace today

to live in joy

to risk and love

to move forward

with desert wisdom

and survivor stamina

with the strength of Another

bearing up my arms

and the heart of Another

beating in my chest

to be in 'now'

to celebrate others

to laugh

to blossom

to cross the desert's edge

linking arms with fellow nomads

who breathe in the wonder

of a God of such grace

to live out compassion

in the many wastelands

drying up hearts

and isolating lives.

it's time to see beyond

it's time to be alive

on purpose.

The Sweetest Thing

2009-03-02T20:33:00.004-04:00

"It was when I was happiest I longed the most. The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing to find the place where all the beauty came from." - C. S. Lewis, 'Til We Have Faces

I have been waiting for many things for a seeming endless time. A few months ago I felt that I would be smushed under the weight of all the un-answered longings in my life. While walking to meet a friend for coffee the Lord touched my soul with this thought: much of waiting is meant to reveal that we are creatures created to long...to desire...to want...to need...to yearn. And waiting is not about dumping the cold waters of self-control and religious sacrfice on the fire of our desires; rather waiting is about our Lover proving to us that we were created to feel intensely and desire deeply because the true Satisfier of all cravings is Christ. He wants us to stay awake to whatever yearning we are trying to stuff back inside of us to enable forward movement in life and He wants us to carry those wide awake wants to Him, letting Him touch them, breathe on them, settle and fulfill them in Himself.

He is the source of all beauty - He is the One Beautiful - and longing leads us to find Him. Waiting is the vehicle of discovering Beauty. Happiness is being awake to all we desire and finding their truest fulfillment and radiance in the Dreamer of dreams Who breathes the longings into being then completes them in, by, through, for, with, and as Himself.

Something From Bebo

2009-02-12T18:46:00.002-04:00

Tonight I rose up with the moon

And looking down from high above

I saw a world carved and confused

Into valleys deep in need of love

And falling down all thick with grace,

Heaven's cloud of mystery

Was filling every empty space

Down to the depths of human need

This love that heals

It's deeper still

Love that heals

Love that's deeper still

It's deeper still

-"Deeper Still" Bebo Norman

That's My King!

2009-02-10T12:13:00.001-04:00

To Make a Replacement

2009-02-04T09:31:00.006-04:00

I unlock my grip

on all my hurts

on all my plans

on all I want

on all my fears

on all my faults

and all myself

I hold so close,

stroking and choking.

I let go.

Let it all fall

to the ground

at Your feet

and replace

the empty space

with Your embrace.

Clutching them

bars me from

holding You.

So I let go

and with hands free

finally

run into Your

arms held wide,

cuddle inside,

and from here

I'll wait.

Replace controlling

with beholding

and grasping plans

with loving Life.

Epiphany

2009-01-30T14:16:00.010-04:00

I need the dust storms to smooth my jagged sides

I need the hazy heat to melt my icy heart

I need the loneliness for space to confront myself

I need Your silence to miss Your voice

I need the cold nights to urge me closer to Your side

I need this sand to slow my harried steps

I need this desert; I need this wilderness

To convince me that I need You.

You are exhausting me in this place. Thank You.

Make me rest in Your shade, Your smile, Your face.

Don't let me retrace my steps here for forty years

By Your grace enable me to choose

What you always meant for us to do in the wilderness:

Worship.

..."The Lord, the God of the Hebrews, has sent me to say, 'Let My people go, so they can worship Me in the wilderness"... (Exodus 7:16)

2009-01-24T22:21:00.005-04:00

I don't know how to reconcile such heartache and hope, the plans of God's heart and the ugliness of evil, my life struggles with the tragedies so many endure, our calling to care for the poor, widowed and orphaned and the devastation still filling the world. But I know that God has overcome the grave and in His Name wounded children can sing. If we can't go we must pray; if God is bigger than their "wilderness" He is wider than our own. I encourage you to watch this documentary (see www.shineglobal.org) and ask God how can we be His Hands of comfort in a deseperately hurting world? How can we each day lift our eyes from ourselves, look around and see the secret aches of others, reach into their souls, and extend a hand inviting them to dance?

..."now that I have seen I am responsible,

faith without deeds is dead.

Now that I have held you in my own arms

I cannot let go 'til you are..."

(Brooke Fraser, Albertine)

The Answer is Nothing

2009-01-23T11:08:00.003-04:00

The people who survived the sword found grace in the wilderness; when Israel sought for rest the Lord appeared to him from far away. "I have loved you with an everlasting love;

therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Again I will rebuild you and you shall be built, O virgin Israel...for I will satisfy the weary soul and every languishing soul I will replenish...Behold I AM the Lord, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?" (Jeremiah 31-32)

You are the God Who shows up in our weariness.

You are the Lord Who loves without end

Who rebuilds our brokenness

Who replenishes our parched lips and dry souls.

Touch our cracked lips that we would worship You.

You are full of fidelity towards us.

You continue in Your goodness day after day.

Your grace sustains us in the wilderness.

You preserve us from the sword. You purify.

You are the True Living Water.

Behold, LORD of all creation,

Is anything too hard for You?

Just In Time

2009-01-22T10:22:00.005-04:00

"I will make a covenant of peace with (My People) and drive away the dangerous animals from the Land. Then My People will be able to camp safely in the wildest places and sleep in the woods without fear. I will cause My People and their homes around My holy hill to be a blessing. And I will send showers, yes showers of blessings which will come just when they are needed...when I have broken their chains of slavery and rescued them from those who enslaved them, then they will know that I am the LORD" (From Abba's heart, captured in Exekiel 34:25-26).

God is not interested in keeping us out of the wildest places: He is intent on taking us there and filling us with His peace even as the deserts are used to free us from our slavery. The wilderness is not the prison (though I have often felt it is) - it is actually the place of healing that exposes bondage and false thinking of God, our trust in ourselves, our bent on blaming God instead of believing Him, our drive to self-protect. In the wilderness we learn that we are incapable and that God's everlasting love is our help and sheild. The wildnerness is the place to choose worship. His blessings will come, just when they are needed. His goodness will set us free and we will know that He is God. While we wait in the wilderness He proves that He is outside of time yet always revealing His heart in our lives with perfect timing.

"One thing I know...You make all things beautiful, You make all things beautiful, You make all things beautiful just in time" (Misty Edwards).

The Kingdom Comes by Way of the Desert

2009-01-20T11:27:00.010-04:00

Those looking forward to the Messiah hoped for physical freedom from injustice, power to rule the state, and victory over their enemies. Messiah instead offered a way to right injustice: giving themselves away in love. He enabled them to be stronger than the state: making them servants who lay down their right to rule over another. He dismantled their enemies not by killing them off, but by teaching you cannot be the enemy of one you love, despite how they treat you in return. In many ways Messiah gave them the opposite of what they expected; yet His Way is better than what they hoped for.

I am learning that the coming of the Kingdom of God in our lives incurs the death of dreams, the loss of expectations, and the painful reframe of coming to see the Kingdom is not mine; I do not control where it takes me. The Kingdom comes through deserts and disappointments. Through trouble God rebuilds our hope. He gives us something better than what we'd been demanding. He speaks kindly even in the midst of our sorrow and confusion. In my own valleys of trouble I have not always understood this voice, I have not listened for His tender words. I have accused Him of stealing what He dreamt into me and doubted His heart.

This new blog theme is to remind me to listen for the voice of kindness as my worldview is being overthrown by the coming of His Kingdom. It is to remind me to keep the truth of His Word on my lips as I speak about Him and to not give in to grumbling, complaining, or accusing God as is our temptation in the desert. It is to inspire me and you who read to find beauty in the dryness and fullness in the silence and joy in the grief of letting go. What He pries out of our hands and minds is sand and silliness compared to the reality of Himself He promises in replacement.

Kingdom come,

Father speak,

Desert bring me to my knees.

Ears, be opened

Mouth, be loosed.

Let Your kindnesses ring true.

Come Back to the Beginning

2009-01-05T16:44:00.007-04:00

What I thought I knew might not be true

What I've dreamt about and said was You

Might well have been me.

We'll see;

Take me back to the beginning.

Strip me of ideals and boxes,

Bent from years of me standing on them.

Bring me down from their crooked perch

To stand alone on You.

My Rock,

Replace my box.

If I've thought wrong re-think my thoughts.

If I've dreamt side-ways guide these dreamy highways

To Your Kingdom, come.

What if I was wrong...

If what I want never does unfold...

If my hopes for Your Kingdom are not Your own...

If You've still no intent to "conquer Rome"

But bring liberty to captivity?

Can You still use me?

Raise Your Name in place of mine.

Make Jesus great through me made small.

Start at the beginning now:

Messiah, be my all in all.

Waiting

2008-12-17T23:09:00.007-04:00

It's not what I expected.

The path I thought pointed to success brought rejection.

The road out of loneliness led to friendship with the broken.

A heart filled with joy compelled tears with the grieving

And the hope that I sought came to life through a beating.

Disappointments:

The doorway through which

God's dreams might come in.

Coming Full Circle...in a round about way...?

2008-11-23T18:15:00.003-04:00

It is November 23. One year ago on this day I hopped on a plane by myself to fly to the Middle East in obedience to the Lord's call on my life to "Tell His People's Story." I thought I was going for three months. Nine and a half months later I returned to North America, forever changed by a journey into God's heart and a love for His people. Although I'd been living as a missionary for years, last year on this date was my very first solo missionary journey, into the "wilds" of the unknown with God. He became my everything in this past year.

Since returning back to Canada and the States the past few months have been filled with questions for me: where do I go next? how do I get back to the Middle East? does my life as a missionary continue or should I just forget about it and take a normal job back home to pay off student loans? September and October passed with few answers, much busyness, new things with God, but not a lot settled for my future. As the first week of November was coming to a close a dear friend of mine invited me to hop on a plane with him and five other missionaries for a two week trip to Guatemala. We would be leaving six days from that moment. So, here I sit, November 23 in Guatemala City. It has been an amazing time ministering alongside the believers in this country as God is working so beautifully among and through them.

Just as the Middle East was a surprise for me so was this last moment trip to Guatemala. And on this day in Guatemala city I had the honor of praying with the leaders of a church here to officially commission their very first missionary and his wife to begin their own adventure into the wilds of the unknown with God.

November 23 last year my adventure began. November 23 this year I got to celebrate with an entire congregation as they sent out their first missionary couple. Both events were unforeseen and both have deeply altered my existence.

God, what is hidden in that Great Big Sleeve of Yours for the coming year? I do not know, but I trust You with the adventure.

The Anthem of the Cloud: "Our Song."

2008-11-06T21:43:00.008-04:00

I am one.
On calloused feet I stand;
From weak knees, strengthened by hours spent bent I rise.
With open hands scarred by marks of love
And heart firm set on the Kingdom come I wait.

I am one.
Misunderstood among the crowds
Choosing to lay all decisions down and go the globe,
or stay at home,
It's His time; His fame. I am one.
I am but one.
And the rest?

They surround the world in songs. They waste their lives on a cross.
They dance through the pain and stare straight at the cost:
Unflinching in their singing global anthems arise.
Of those run before with His fire in their eyes
Of those yet to come, not yet sparks, soon the light,
In this dark night of earth they are the stars.
The scar-bearers.
The lonely hearts bravely marching into the jungle;
The aching parts praising God through the hunger.
The ancient and modern and future blending lives
That sing out like the string's of a violin cry...

Of a conquering King Who came as a servant
Of the innocent Love led to death, undeserving
Of the Sovereign I Am with sweet voice calling,

"Whom shall We send; who will go for Us?"

I am one. Only one.
Yet I lend my voice to the global song ringing strong
Through the Age's halls
and Bethlehem stalls
and altar calls
and through tears that fall:

"Here am I. Send me."

Notice a New Element with me...

2008-11-04T20:23:00.004-04:00

Good evening friends. This is more of an info-mercial post than a creative reflective piece. Over the past few years I've been creating and selling artwork as a means to travel and share God's love. I'm working towards getting back overseas and have found a website, imagekind, that hosts, prints, ships, and sells an artist's work for them. They'll even mat and frame it for you (if you've got a whole lotta spare change!) or you can become an artist yourself and transform regular prints into personal greeting cards. If you are looking for an inspirational piece for your home or a meaningful Christmas gift, please consider perusing my gallery. Each piece is created from words of Scripture taking the form of various shapes inspired by the words; the aim of the final image is to powerfully convey the meaning of the text itself, bringing to life the Living Word in a fresh, worshipful way. There is a link to the right where you can scroll through thumbnails of my current pieces and there is a second link further down that take's you right to my gallery profile page. Even if you don't buy a piece, let me know your thoughts! I'd love to get some fresh feedback. thanks.

Written while worshipping on Mount Zion

2008-10-25T17:02:00.004-03:00

You Have Come

(Hebrews 12:18-24)

Dust, fog, mist, mystery come to me

Breathing, feeling, beating, running

Through my veins.

Try in vain to make it stop.

Overtaken.

Whirlwind, twirling, shaping

Nature come to change nature

Creator come to recreate: death to life

Dark to light, in the haze of His ways

The dust, the fog, the mist.

I see in part

From mount of tempest, trumpet blown

Fast forward to our time.

Same force, same voice, same face: rejoice

The mount is new. It runs with blood -

Victory. Crowds cheering. Living God.

You came to me in the tempest

To usher me to Your presence

Brightness, hope, cheer, life.

Mount Zion her name

Stands to fame her Maker. Now I,

The made, stand on her, with You.

Dust, fog, mist, Spirit and soul kiss.

Son has come. We, One. A new day

A storm brought re-creation.

You are still consuming fire.

Consume me.

You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm; to a trumpet blast or to such a voice speaking words that those who heard it begged that no further word be spoken to them, because they could not bear what was commanded: "If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned." The sight was so terrifying that Moses said, "I am trembling with fear." But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous men made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.

See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? … Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire.”

As Time Just Slips Away

2008-10-21T18:46:00.003-03:00

I am very time oriented. I don’t like waiting. Time innumerable, I find myself here in this space with God again; waiting.

I am learning while I’m waiting that the time is meant to bend me, not to make me straighter, stronger, and more self or life assured. While I wait I fight the time, I fight the trusting, I pray on my knees, cry on my knees and find, as the days slip by my heart begins to take that position before the Father; knelt down in submission…a sort of contented defeat…a position of bent-ness in which the Father draws very near and holds me close. This, I am learning, is the point of the process, the reason why we must wait, why we don’t get what we want when we want it – or sometimes even at all. The Father must bend us. He must draw us closer to Himself because the depth of His love for us compels Him and He knows that we will not walk there. We are either too self righteous or too insecure, too stubborn or too cavalier to come close walking on two feet. He knows that to come within a whisper width of His heart is the point of our existence and to stay there in secure rest in Him is the best gift He can give us. And so, he must bend us…knees to the earth, yes, but more importantly, more noticeably, and more painfully, soul to the earth, heart bent into the shape of submission, worn smooth by many trials and times of wait…wait…wait. I must come closer to this God. And therefore He must bend me. And He bends while I wait. He cripples me so He can carry me…and in His arms know the truest of true healing – Abba’s love.

Held Together

2008-10-17T16:54:00.001-03:00

Time after time this year when all I had been holding onto has fallen apart and it feels I have nothing and am nothing it is then that He comes...and holds...and restores my peace...and reminds me all along it has been Him: He IS all I need. "In Christ all things hold together..."

Defined

2008-10-07T12:13:00.003-03:00

wife, mother, entrepreneur, dish-washer, babysitter, servant, disciple, traveller, people-lover, writer, artist, worshipper, dreamer, runner, dancer, prayer, driven, perfectionist, striver, pleaser, family member. stop.

Ransomed. Purchased. Rescued. Purified. Seen. Invited. Cherished. Honored. Pursued. Forgiven. Wrapped in Love. Kissed by Grace. Desired. Enjoyed. Favored. Daughter of the Most High King. Sister of the Messiah. Home of the Holy Spirit. Bought.

Of all the things I could be, of all the things I am

Of what I'm not and what I want

Of what is true and what is false -

What will I dwell on?

Things I see on the visible front

or what He's done in the world to come...

Done since the world was made...

Done and true today?

"Who do you say that I AM?"

I say that You are the Christ, Son of the Living God

And You say that I am

Yours.

May that be all I ever want or need or dream to define me.

Where We Gonna Go From Here?

2008-09-29T13:02:00.007-03:00

"Home is behind, the road ahead.

There are many paths to tread..."

One year passed; many roads crossed, here I sit at home the journey long now long gone, I ponder who I've become through things We've done, how the miles have piled one upon one until millions were covered and in the end I've discovered, here again at home one thing, one alone has remained in all the winds and ways of change: You.

One year ahead; many roads from which to choose, I pick the ones I'd like but You, You seem to wait. Not rushing, not hushing me, but certainly not enlightening me to the way We'll take, so today I'll wait, too. From home I beg, "Send me Home, Lord, again" let Your Land be the plan, Your Hand again shape a way through the desert to the City in the East that has brought and now brings me to my knees in dependence, seeking Your Heart. That is the part She is to play on earth, revealing You not concealing You or betraying You but leading me and the many me's spread abroad not to love only her but to capture Your Heart as she captures You and we capture You, in You we are one. Let this love You've begun in me for the people hidden in her streets unfold, enrich, grow into this: Your Heart lived out whether treading the path or home at last. Make me rest in Your Heart until You let me be part of the lives in those streets once again."

Inspired

2008-09-15T10:33:00.006-03:00

One of my favorites in the living cloud of witnesses:

She Went

I've been home only two weeks but reading my dear friend's words burn within me the desire to go again, now, today! These posts also remind me that life is simply about asking Jesus to pour Himself out through you all day, wherever you are, in tender, kind ways. This, in fact, proves to be more difficult to me here in my average day to day life than it is when in the extremity of "overseas." Lord, that You would continue to refine and draw me out to lose myself that You, Savior, might live Your heart and mission through me even on the field of this everyday life. That You would overflow through this dear girl's soul and spirit into a broken nation, bringing healing by Your smiles, touches, love, and sweetness spread abroad by the sacrifice of her life in a foreign land.

Home: I need to see what I cannot yet see

2008-09-10T12:25:00.007-03:00

I want to believe what You say to me;

I want to be strong when I am weak

I want to gain might by getting on my knees;

I want to see past what's in front of me

I want to look beyond the surface

I want to take heart when my world gives way;

I want to know courage when I don't feel brave

I want to stand firm when enemy forces rage;

I want to see Yahweh in my desert days

I want to look beyond the surface

There is power and mercy in the Hand that I hold;

There is laughter and valor in the heart that I know

There is grace for today and depths of love untold;

There is beauty and wonder and life to behold

When I look beyond the surface

I see Heaven

I see glory

I see hope

I see victory

I see Jesus

Just beyond the surface

Beginning to sum it up

2008-08-28T12:57:00.003-03:00

In land of barbed-wire fences I learned freedom

In a place where every nationality and religious group, nearly every individual is hated by someone, I learned love

In a situation of poverty I learned to give

From a stance of weakness I learned the thrive

In a city that demands mere survival I learned life. Abundant. Overflowing.

In deep pain and trials I found grace

At the end of myself I found hope that is unshakeable

In the loneliest hours I found Arms that never let go

In bottles full of tears I found the Comforter to be enough

After months of feeling I accomplished nothing I watched love transform souls

Through being humbled I found His presence

Through being nothing I found my worth

Through sorrow I learned to smile

Through war I learned to stand

Through hunger I learned to pray

Through anger I learned to praise

Through wounds I learned forgiveness

Where water is sparse I learned to drink deep from a better Well

Where wilderness encroaches I found a Garden of Life

From Arabs I learned kindness

From Jews I learned faith

From the nations I found family

As a foreigner in the Land I found home

Who is sufficient for these things? Who deserves such rich blessings as water in the wilderness and grace in times of need? Who can magnify enough the Name of the King for walking us through great extremity with great mercy? Thanks You, Abba, for this season of life. Lead on...

It blew my worldview

2008-08-22T03:20:00.005-03:00

Last weekend I hopped on the Arab bus with my flat-mate, from Damascus gate into the heart of East Jerusalem, Mount of Olives. She had a contact there she wanted me to meet. His name is Ibrahim. He is an aged Muslim man with no citizenship in any country of the world, no passport, yet he has travelled the globe speaking for peace and loving our neighbors. He has addressed the President in the White House, the Dali Lama, throngs in India, spoken in churches across North America and influenced a hundred thousand people who've passed through his guest home on the Mount of Olives over the years.

I was challenged and inspired by what I heard from him. While I am not saying there is salvation or true peace in any other name but Jesus, I invite you to browse through his website, explore his story, allow the Lord to explore your prejudices (as He did mine) and learn a little from a wise old man. I'm a little nervous to post this link for fear that people will mis-interpret what I've said with what he says and think I believe this is true peace in it's fullest. Again I reiterate: read with an open heart, learn, be challenged, and simply pray for a true revelation of God's love-and-love-your-neighbor-economy in your heart and Ibrahim's.

Ibrahim Abu el-Hawa

Does Anyone Know???

2008-08-19T02:04:00.003-03:00

How do you pack up a world you love so much to move back to a world you love so much? How do you re-assimilate to the life you knew having changed so much; how do you know how to be who you are now in the place you once were? How do you find words to speak of what you have seen, what you have walked through, how you have loved and been loved? What if your favorites back home don't recognize you anymore? What if you don't fit? What if you have no idea where your life goes eleven days from now?

Mmm. I guess you embrace the gift of today. You enjoy the people around you today and the Heart of Abba today. And you cast your worries for tomorrow at His feet.

And so shall pass eleven days.

Far

2008-08-12T04:16:00.003-03:00

I've been about eight and a half months in a world with very few semblances of home. I could write an epic about all the Lord has taught me, brought me through, given me, kept me from, let me be part of, and allowed me to discover of His heart and Kingdom. It has been a hard journey, but it has been good. Since in 18 days I will be returning home for at least a few months, though my heart is still very much here, the longing to be home already has been growing the past week. Last night as I walked to our prayer meeting in the Old City my heart was heavy with readiness to return to familiar, 'safe,' family, home.

During our meeting Abba encouraged me in the most unlikely of books: Deuteronomy. Several times these words are written, "But your offerring...your tithe must be given in the place the Lord your God chooses for His Name to be honored. It might happen that the place the Lord your God chooses for His Name to be honored is a long way from your home..."

I laughed out loud with joy when I read these recurring verses. "It might happen..." just so happens to have happened in my life! Abba has asked us all to exist as living sacrifices, full-one-hundred percent tithes to Him. For whatever reason, He has asked me to offer my life to Him, for this season, a long way from my home. But He so blessed me last night in knowing that through these months His Name has been honored. That makes it all worth it. I don't know where this sacrfice will live three months from now, but I know wherever the Lord chooses it will once again be good whether near or far from home. I look forward to seeing many of you soon and joining the flames of our sacrificed lives together for awhile. How that will warm my heart.

I live and burn for You, Love, wherever Your road leads me.

How He Longs for Her Peace

2008-08-10T06:20:00.001-03:00

Jerusalem, August 8 2008

Reflections at the Western Wall

2008-07-30T09:29:00.004-03:00

I watched the nations walk by today as I sat near the Western Wall. Africans in their color and fullness, Israelis in their skirts and kippa's. I watched the soldiers eating ice cream, machine guns hanging casually at the side attached by a strap slung over one shoulder. Women in sweats. Women in glorious dresses. Palestinian workers carrying 30 dozen eggs at one time, cleaning the garbage, working in the heat. The French, the nuns, the secular - the languages. I saw children running and laughing near the sacred wall itself. A gust of wind knocked one man's kippa to the ground, exposing his head; another's head is being trailed by a persistent hornet. Both men move on unaware. Smoking, cell phones, scowling, laughing crowd.

I sat for hours - feet swelling in the summer heat -watching, listening, feeling. What, who is here, I wonder in spirit. For a long time all I feel is the absence. Nothing heavy here, yet nothing so full. What has been and what will be in this place is mystifying. Sacrifices, temples, wars, prayers, God the Spirit, God the Man, footprints, healings, riots, miracles. All these years have passed and life moves on. I watched a woman in a wheel chair pass by. My heart stirred. When God stood in this place such passings so moved Him with compassion that after a word or two the wheel chair stayed behind and the woman walked home. Shouldn't events like this still come to pass in this place?

The breeze pushes the tress, grounded on the Temple Mount their tops exposed above the Wall, in a gentle dance. The breeze pushes a strand of hair out of my face and draws me back many years to that secret place of a child who began to hear her God in the wind. Singing, bowing, praying, touring, walking, working, searching all around. Yet here I sit - that Presence being sought I find in the same simple way here as all my life before: in the silent whisper...which calls to me in the wind. The invisible Kingdom of God accessible by those who will withdraw, sit still, look, and listen. Indeed, I find Him here. In all places where at first He seems absent He can be found in simplicity, in silence, in the dance of the wind.

The more I grow the more He returns me to those childlike places where the sweetness of His heart swelling deep within me makes me safe, makes me home, even when I find myself sitting in the very central center of the universe alone. Whether I will return to this place in the flesh I don't know. But I do know one day soon, the nations will again pass by this way, bringing their offerings of honor and praise to the King of kings. I will be found in the midst of them, dancing the dance hidden in my spirit even now, the worship created in me to offer the King from birth until eternity...the one that, in the heat, the crowds, and Middle Eastern Life, He employs His winds to draw out of me. Be still, and know.

Poured Out...

2008-07-16T04:04:00.003-03:00

Washing over me
Tears to cleanse wounds
You sit and weep with me

To dance
To sing
To draw
To paint
To write
To love
To give
To know
To serve
To laugh
To hope
I break

Break open the costly flask of praise
Here on Your Feet
I weep
You stand and receive
My brokenness as sacrifice

You smile
You sigh
You hug
You cry
You hold
You heal
You breathe

Sharing aches, sharing life
Your tears in my eyes
Wash the world through Your love in my soul
Poured out

Home...

2008-07-11T09:20:00.004-03:00

Where the cracking explosions that split through the night air, which are fireworks from an Arab wedding, may one day actually be the sounds of war. Where it's normal to say "shalom" when you encounter a young man stepping out of the bushes holding a machine gun, as he protects the president's home. Where you're swarmed, whistled and hollered at by religious children and women for walking down the street at night in a T-shirt. Where you stay up until 4:00 am in the kehila dancing, praying, and celebrating Jesus in Hebrew and Russian with your once-drug addicted brothers and sisters. Where you walk the streets Jesus walked, some days searching desperately for any sign that He still strolls here. Where it's normal, while waiting for public transportation, for two policemen in bullet proof vests, weighed down with weaponry, to drive by on a motorcycle saying in a foreign language, "the bus isn't coming" because there is a protest up the street at Parliament and the only traffic moving are the dozens of patrol vehicles. Then, of course understanding the foreign language, you simply shrug and decide to walk the hour home in the 90 degree evening heat. Home. How different it looks from what I've known - yet how His grace is melting, meeting, and keeping me here. My heart has found it's home in the presence of my King - so where He leads me, there shall we abide in peace. "You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are fixed on You." Be fixed, on my soul, on the goodness of your Abba and His love which, despite all odds, fills this Land and makes is home. How I love being here with the One that I love, loving the ones that He loves!

Thoughts for the week

2008-06-30T16:05:00.000-03:00

I am aware that there have come
A hundred billion souls, plus one,
Before me tread upon this earth
Now ‘neath the earth they lie.

Perhaps, perchance near two percent’s
Life tales were ‘writ before they spent
Their final breaths to express their love
To spouse or child before they died.

One half of half percent I’ve read
Witnessed their lives through things they said.
Ninety-nine billion, three quarter’s lives
Have passed and I know not how.

Who knows if they were brave or good,
Achieved great things or just made the food?
But they breathed and laughed and cried as I,
Though history took no account.

And as I rise to a fresh day
An unknown number of breaths remain;
My unwritten story stretching ahead
I wonder what my account will be?

Will someone witness, will they read
The things I’ve said, things achieved?
Will I become someone of note
Or will I just live, love, and breathe?

When I have passed if things are said
Of how this simple human lived
May it be such: long before she died
This girl was dead, Christ lived her life.

Lives come and go, they came and went
More will follow once ours are spent.
May thus our stories His Tale tell,
Our lives His Name immortalize.

Call Me Harold

2008-06-26T01:25:00.002-03:00

So a few days ago I asked the Lord to help me call Him by a new name, because saying, "God" or "Elohim" all the time painted a pitcure in my mind of an impersonal, personality-less Being. That, I know, is not my Yahweh. So I have been calling Him "Abba" or "Ahuvi" (my love) more and more. I also asked Him to let me hear Him call me by a new name. Now, I'm not sure that He's given me this name, but around the same time this thought kept crossing my mind, "I am Harold Crick." If you've never seen "Stranger Than Fiction" this will mean nothing to you. If you have seen it, believe me, while the voice I heard in my head was not that of a middle aged british woman....the name, unfortunately, fits me.

My life is a continual battle to break free from the categorical structure I set up for myself. I like to block my life into time charts and chunks of things I will do at specific times each day. Harold Crick loved his wristwatch. He did everything on time, at the exact same time everyday. I'm not that intense, but I noticed my life can be pretty predictable. There's nothing completely wrong with that, except that living under such predictions it's hard to acutally live! I wrote a few weeks ago about Abba freeing me to do just that - live - now I'm learning I need Him to make me alive everyday...to throw aside my prescheduled plans, to go for a run in the evening instead of 6am, to eat a cupcake or an icecream instead of a carrot stick, to answer the phone when my friends call to go on a hike to the mount of olives to pray and laugh and drink tea while talking about the Kingdom of God in Hebrew, to watch a good movie, to dance a good jig in church, to make mistakes with my new language, to sing off key while walking down the street, to laugh til it hurts while on the phone with mum, to live by my heart and not by my mind.

Near the end of the movie the narrator speaks a line that captures me. She says, "And Harold Crick...lived his life."

So, maybe Abba is actually the one calling me Harold, not in order to accuse me of being so organized and stale, but to promise me that HE can indeed bring me to full-life color everyday so that inside of His will, His smile, His laughter, His hope, His dreams, this Harold, too can live her life.

Harold. Just call me Harold.

What is Life?

2008-06-22T15:43:00.002-03:00

I often wonder what it is, exactly, that I'm supposed to do with this life. I am here, in the Land God placed me, learning to language, serving in my congregation, loving my neighbor, worshiping the Father, and overall just living life. But I never feel like it's enough.

Why do I feel as though I must have been sent here as a leader, not a learner? Why do I believe I am here to minister, and not also to receive? Why do I feel guilty if I go to a meeting, or a coffee date, or place where I'm supposed to be pouring out, yet the Lord also pours in through the people I am with? Why am I always feeling rushed to step into some sort of realm where I fulfill 'God's call' on my life? What if the Kingdom is more about give and take than I thought, sharing, just being together? What if it's ok to just live here, among the people, should to shoulder walking through life, being there for each other, not always trying to achieve something or arrive somewhere but just living? What if it's pride that keeps me under the pressure of measuring a day's success by whether or not God used me to do something? What if my whole world view for what it means to be a servant of God is off, in actuality putting me, in my own perception, in a higher place than every other human around me? Perhaps I am also the sick in need of the Doctor, the weak in need of Strength, the little girl trusting Abba day by day and happy to have other siblings around to share in the journey? What if it's not about me being here as the outsider pouring out something over those in the Land everyday, but it's about being here as one of the bunch, stride for stride doing this faith walk together?

These thoughts blow my paradigm for a "life of ministry" and waft the scent of freedom my way. What if to live and be loved, to give and receive, and just be normal human beings filled with an extraordinary God Who moves in untellable kindness every day is in fact God's call on my life, on our lives, wherever we live, however that fleshes out?

What if, eh? May this life I dream of tonight greet me in living color when I awake and begin another tomorrow. And may your dreams, in the Spirit of God, unfold unto you likewise.

Something I Saw

2008-06-15T01:52:00.005-03:00

I live in a city full of religion. Often those in the highest ranks of religion are the hardest, coldest, most stand-off-ish people you could encounter, and sometimes the church is not excluded. I have some friends who used to be drug addicts, into all sorts of darkness and nightmares. Jesus saved them; they're in a rehab program together, they share life and repentance, healing, and worship. Many of them are Russian Jews who made Aliyah. Life has not been easy for them. I've been "being the church" with them for a couple months now and last night was our service. The Pastor and rehab program leader gave a message about the power of Jesus' Name, His love for sinners, and desire to free us from all bondage - things like lying, fear, addictions, occult, curses, illness. Then we started praying. As we prayed together for an hour the room was filled with voices, men and women, crying out to God, on their knees, broken, open, hurting, and being healed. For a long time people prayed for each other, hugged, even screamed sometimes...there was a real battle, real grief and aches being mended by the very tangible hand of God in our midst. There was no shame or pride, no religion; there was order but not control. There were about 60 of us in the room and nearly everyone encountered something deep, heart breaking and opening with God. After the prayers and tears were over and the Lord proved His Kingdom reigns among and in us something beautiful happened.

They began to dance. Not just in their seats, but they ran up front, on the platform, in the aisles and the back. Some were on drums, then they'd jump up, dance for awhile, go back to their instrument. Men, women, Russian dances, Israeli dances, grown men dancing with flags, clapping, shouting, rejoicing, smiling, laughing even because last night together we saw this is our God. I thought over and over of the Psalm that says, "It is fitting to praise You..." Shouldn't we honor God with a dance, a smile, brotherly love, open hearts, and tears of thanksgiving in response to the great gift of freedom He has given us in His Son? Shouldn't we give Him control of our lives, services, and friendships and live the church together? Four and a half hours after the meeting began several of us walked home together, still full of the joy and fresh healing of the Holy Spirit. And the people around us noticed. For perhaps the truest time in this city I sensed something deep of God the disciples must have felt in those first days of being filled with His Spirit. I had the honor of being with real people, coming out of heavy slavery into the fullness of God, loving each other, adoring God, and sharing His love with unbelievers.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.

True Love - Phil Wickham (The Wall)

2008-06-13T07:08:00.001-03:00

The Neighborhood

2008-06-10T10:59:00.003-03:00

The Lord has blessed me with a pretty incredible place. I walked a few kilometers from my new flat to the city Promenade to study Hebrew this afternoon and took some photos of the view from there. The Promenade overlooks the Old City (in the center of the view; see the Dome of the Rock), the Mount of Olives (to the East), the Bethlehem border wall (a bit further east), and then to the west you can seen a small community. This is where I live.

My house is on the far left of this photo: the Old City and Temple Mount on the far right.

And yet I get weary of being here, discouraged, lonely, feeling like my life is small and I am doing nothing consequential with it for God. What's remarkable is that no matter what continent we live on Abba doesn't want our works or capabilities: He wants our presence. Why does it seem such a difficult gift to give Him?

Father, You do ALL things well. Teach me to number my days aright and to seek Your Kingdom with all I am, forgetting the things of my Kingdom that can make me so blue! :)

The Lord bless you all, from Jerusalem!

One word

2008-06-06T08:36:00.003-03:00

"Come..."

That's what He said; it's what He still says.

tired and weary
frustrated and angry
spent and ragged
lonely and aching

rich and poor
well and frail
full and starving
satisfied and longing

rejoicing and mourning
dancing and groaning
young and aged
male and female
Jew and Gentile
sinner and sinner

"Come."

It is His nearness that answers and accomplishes all else.
Just come.
By His blood, welcomed.
Such grace.

Post # 300 - Here's to life

2008-06-04T10:24:00.004-03:00

At a conference I attended in Italy this past week I heard a conversation between a man from New Zealand and a young woman from Milano. She was contemplating whether she should work after finishing school and do a little bit of ministry on the side or if she should follow what is in her heart and take the "risk" of full time ministry. The man interrupted her vocalization of thoughts saying, "Go for it. Full-on, go for ministry. You only get one life, mate. One. Don't get stuck living it safe. If you've got something from God in your heart go for it one hundred percent, no fear, no worries. Live His adventure. One life; that's it. Live it in faith with God." The man who said this actually died when he was 26, but the Lord raised him back to life. He was given a second chance and has spent it as a missionary around the world the past 30 years.

It struck me so deeply, his words to the young woman. One life. That's it. Last week in Italy the Lord brought me to life, out of the past, out of tomorrow, into right now. I don't want to be another human adding fear, worry, anxiety to the atmosphere of earth. I want to live in faith; I choose to stop trying to figure out what God will do in a month or a year or a day. I choose to see the beauty around me. I choose to spend every day loving the people around me, telling those who are special to me that they are precious, soaking in grace, singing songs of praise to our Father, fixing my eyes on Jesus, offering joy, hope, laughter to the broken hearted people surrounding me. Before Italy I had been playing with the idea of giving up this life God has called me to - of going wherever He leads, staying for as long as He leads. I had been contemplating what it would be like to be safe at home, in a job I can control and know what to expect, and then God so kindly reminded me I have only one pass at life. I desire to live it fully alive inside of the will of God, whatever that looks like.

So you, dear friend, wherever you are in life may you be alive in Christ, obedient to His voice, choosing His adventure over safety - even if that adventure is working in an office or church and having a family, etc. Those, too, are beautiful stories when unfolded by God's plans. Enjoy each breath. Worship. Dance. LIVE! Breathe deep and give people around you the gift of your presence with them!

"The fog has finally cleared to see
the beautiful life You've given me...
I know that I've been given more than beyond measure
I come alive when I see beyond my fears
I come alive when I'm broken down and giving You control."
- Jeremy Camp

He came, He found me

2008-06-01T05:44:00.007-03:00

An interesting nuiance of the country God has told me is home is that 'home' forces me to leave every three months with no promise of reentry. For this current time out of the country God told me to go to Italy. For a number of reasons I really didn't want to come. But compelled by His Spirit, here I am.

And here, the most out of control, uninformed I've ever been He found me.

For six months I have been nearly demanding that God do certain things in my life, begging Him for good things even, like His fullness, His heart of love in me, His faith to replace my fear, clearer direction for the field He's given me. It has felt that instead of answering me He has led me to scarier, more hurtful and out-of-control places. He led me here to Italy to show me how tirelessly I cling to my ideas of what He's doing with my life, my suggestions of how things should go and in so telling God what He just has to do with me I've been trying to control this adventure He has written and tame Him while I'm at it.

In a room filled with a few hundred Italian believers, dancing, worshipping, waving flags, running around in joy, somehow Elohim found me, He reached into every place of me I've been begging Him to speak into and He caused me to let go of the yesterday's, to truly, truly not worry about what comes in tomorrows and be with Him in that moment. Do you know what happened? All the fear, weariness, confusion, even suspicion in the goodness of God's heart vanished in a second and suddenly my heart was alive.

For twenty-four years I have been living but not alive and here, in a country I never thought I'd visit, surrounded my people I don't understand, essentially in small scale exile from my 'home' God found me, He rescued me from my own control, and He made me live. I am overwhelmed by His goodness. For three days now I have had no fear of the future. God writes it. He brings it to pass. I cannot control His story....and the beautiful thing is I no longer want to. Finally, finally God IS in control, not me. He has been all along but fighting Him has been death to my heart. Now I am free. He walked me through months of difficulties to strip me of control and when I was completely undone He came in, came close, found me and made me LIVE today. Today. In this moment I am alive. Until now I never knew what that felt like. I'm no longer just passing through life. I LIVE because Christ lives in me.

I once was dead, but now I live.

I once was dead, but now I live...

And now my life to You I give.

Halellujah.

The Greatest of These...

2008-05-26T16:10:00.003-03:00

"I have found a paradox; that if I love until it hurts then there is no hurt, but only more love." Mother Teresa

"Take away love and our earth is a tomb." Robert Browning

About a year ago I began to pray that God would make me a woman marked by love, that it's scent would be on me and poured out through me. I did not take account, at the time, that to bear marks one must be first wounded, to smell one must put something on, and to pour out one must be filled.

For six months the Lord has allowed me to walk through numerous tests of faith, strength, and even sanity. I had thought I would crumbled into pieces in the pressures of this Land and the path He has for my life. But in these last days He has risen up within me an assurance of His kindness in it all, His sustaining grace through it, His fullness that has sutured the wounds He allowed and smoothed them with the oil of His Spirit, reducing me to see that in life all that matters is love. God is love. Love God, love others...really love others with God's ache, the enduring and beautiful ache of Christ's heart being poured out through our inability, His fragrance reaching the Father because we are clothed in Him. Against all odds during a season in which my life seemed to have ended Abba seared my heart with His love and I am full with a hope I've never before known.

I cannot find words to convey what God has wrought in me through a half year of seemingly endless struggles, but one thing I can say: all I thought was gain for my life I now count as loss (reputation, being right, having a glowing career in ministry, writing heaps of well-read books, winning the masses to Christ, being a key player in God's plans for Israel, impressing people) I now deem as rubbish for the sake of loving Jesus and loving the beauties of people He has filling the earth. I have much to learn in the way of love, but now it is no longer a word on a page to me, but the beat of the Father's heart ALIVE within me.

May we, today, give our lives away in love, through Love, for our Beloved...simply because

we
are
loved.

More on "Remains..."

2008-05-21T13:57:00.003-03:00

What remains Under the sun
When none is new And all’s been done

Is the breath of a man
Breathed in and breathed out
A sigh
A vapor
A lullaby.
None is new
Yet none the same
As what once was
Or what will come.

What remains Upon the clay
When night’s rolled past To another day

Is the heart of a man
Beating once, beating twice
A rumble
A cry
A song of life.
None beats true
Yet none so false
As to love life less
Than the price love costs.

What remains Within the breeze
When the winds of change Blow constant unease

Is the soul of a man
Held in, now poured out
An ache
A prayer
A God-ward writhe.
As each came before
This soul shall once more
Breathe in and beat out
Cross earth to Heaven’s door.

What remains In the expanse above
When the hour’s expired Time’s grasp undone

Is the core of a man
Shaped by what’s passed
Hands of Grace
Times of ache
Heart of Love
When he was crushed.
Nothing new
Under the sun
Save this: a spirit
Breathed upon
By the only One
Who remains
When all else slips away.
Even so; He alone,

He remains.

A Life Made of Glass

2008-05-20T07:54:00.006-03:00

You find me in the remains
You wash me with Your grace

This line has been running through my head for days. Last night I had a picture in my mind of what God has done in me these past three months. It has been a season of deep breaking and now slow, steady rebuilding in the Hands of Tender Love. The more that fell apart around me and the more I knew of heartache over the weeks gone by I more truly understood something remarkable about God. He prefers brokenness.

The picture I imagined last night is that all my years I have wanted to present myself as a solitary, clean, tall, clear glass to God, ready for Him to pour His love and presence into so He and I can enjoy life alone together. Now I realize that through the difficulties of the past months He has taken the glass of my life, which I had so methodically prepared for Him and, in His grace and love, thrown it down to be shattered. He took my smudgy pieces of glass, which I thought were so transparent and pure, and painted them with the red of His love, the hue of His blood, and is now slowly standing me up as a stained glass window, one so He can use to show the world His redemption, not something to display my own perfection. He loves and uses the flawed and broken. What a mystery.

When the very foundations of my life seemed to be giving way and all I had left to offer God was me and my messes

He found me in the remains
He washed me with His grace
And gave me fellowship in His stains.

Thank God for redemption.

The Day of all days

2008-04-24T02:15:00.003-03:00

In one hour I will drive our very old, beat up, quirky fiat to the Tel Aviv airport to pick up my Mum and Daddy! There are no words to describe my joy and thanks to God. You know, so often I have approached God as a genie in a bottle...that if I ask enough I might twist His Arm to give me the bare essentials of life. And here He has swept into my life with such an extravagant blessing to show me His heart, because that's what He wants us to pursue - not His provision or blessing or even step by step guidance for our lives. He's not a road map or a bank. He's Elohim, Lover of my soul, of your soul. He is so good and delights in delighting us. Abba, You take my breath away! "My heart is Yours, for life." Next post, I'll show you all some pictures of my family "standing within the gates of Jerusalem!"

Post Change/Heart Change

2008-04-20T06:54:00.007-03:00

For weeks I've been wondering when the Lord was going to deliver me from my current circumstances and last night I posted something reflective about it all. This morning I deleted that post after reading a number of blog entries from a dear friend. I got into the book of Hebrews, remembered the sufficiency and fullness of the blood of Jesus that covers me, a sinner, with His grace and kindness, and THEN I started reading a book my pastor mailed me all the way from Maine to Jerusalem, called Pagan Christianity.

For weeks I have been confronted with the reality that I am a sinner. I have not outgrown my ability to sin, much to my distress. Very seriously, I have battled daily with condemnation and though I have tried to remind myself all day, "The grace of God welcomes me near; the blood of Jesus atoned for my sins once and for all..." I have still felt so heavy and burdened. In this book the author used a phrase about the Body of Christ living out God's dream. With this phrase all my fears about my dreams not being fulfilled and my anxiety about trying to discern God's will fell away as I was filled with a desire to not only obey God but to DREAM with God.

I have come to learn afresh this month that God does not want my piety, works, or dramatic sacrifices. He wants my heart. He does not want my wisdom or even primarily my acts of righteousness. He wants, in this moment, my heart. I have tried and failed to offer Him my future, promising to be faithful and not fearful...but I have found new strength in His grace this day to offer Him today my heart-felt, full-on devotion. With my (strong)will I have tried to merely obey Him, yet today He has invited me to share His dreams with Him.

Also in Pagan Christianity the authors speak of the very history of the structure of the church building denoting man's quest to reach up to God, the Holy, separated, far off Lord. The author states, "Christians do not have to reach into the heavens to find God. He is here! With the coming of Immanuel God is with us." Early Christianity was the only religion in history without a temple, a priest, or sacrifices. Jesus fulfilled all of those roles and therefore His Life of Hope was being lived out "organically" on the streets among the people who now were His building. Freedom! Reading these lines everything in my spirit shook with hope. I had been working so hard to present myself before the Lord in a manner in which I could reach up to Him. But He is here. God is here. He is living in me, sharing a space somewhere between my heart beats and bones. It is vanity to try to lift yourself up to reach Someone Whose life inside you holds you together. I so desperately want His Body to return to the freedom He intends for, dreams for us. I am only on chapter four but I highly recommend you read this book with an open mind and spirit.

God Almighty, sovereign and great, dwells within His church - you and me. The blood of Jesus is sufficient for our every need. He is here. He is here. He is full of acceptance and mercy. I think I'd like to ask Him about His dreams now. So, if you'll excuse us, we'll be back another day. May His nearness to YOU fill you with hope. Live alive and free.

Hem Ba-im, A Poem by Me

2008-04-15T15:50:00.004-03:00

Hem Ba-im...
Mi ba-im?
Ha'Horim Sheli Ba-im L'Arets...
B'Shavua Haba!
BARUCH HA SHEM!!!

translates:
They are coming
Who is Coming?
MY PARENTS ARE COMING TO THE LAND
NEXT WEEK
BLESS THE LORD!!!!

This...

Plus this...
Equals THIS!(minus the snow of course because now it's averaging 85-95 degrees a day with the current desert winds)

The Lord is unfailingly good and extravagant in His love towards us. About a month ago my parents were given free tickets to come visit me in Israel and a week from right now their first flight takes off! I cannot thank the Lord or my beautiful siblings in Him who gave such an overwhelming gift enough. I cannot wait to show my family my 'home,' to see Jerusalem through their eyes afresh, instead of the daily flow of normal life, to sit long and drink tea on our balcony and talk and talk and talk without the nuisance of phone cards and cords between us, to pray together and walk the land of Yeshua together. This is the greatest blessing of my life thus far, coming at the (now) closing down and moving out of the most difficult 6 weeks of my life and my family's life thus far. Every good and perfect gift comes day to us from the Father of Lights indeed!

Thank You thank You thank You Abba!

Words a grandparent might not want to ready :)

2008-03-31T00:25:00.003-03:00

What can you know for sure when you live in a country where a live bomb was found and (safely) detonated 100 feet from your church during last weekend's service? What word can you be certain of in a city where, as your pastor preaches, the Muslim tower next door bellows out it's droning prayer? Whose strength do you rely on when you are living alone, volunteering in a seeming prison with a German lady who owns 15 cats, some with no tail, one eyeball, or cat AIDS...day after day working your heart out and seeing little fruit? What steadies your faith when each day presents new roadblocks and deaths of dreams, mingled with fresh promises for a bright future yet what you really need to know is "where am I going to live tomorrow? How am I going to buy food?" What consolation can be found for the heart of a homeless intercessor that is wrecked with love for a people who openly reject and mock such affection, when all she can do is weep before Abba on their behalf and hers?

The comfort I find is in the fellowship of sufferings.

My 'homeless Rabbi' walks nearby as I love and am rebuffed by His own People who treated Him with even greater shame. His faith that resurrects life from the dead emboldens me to cling to His hand in belief that it still writes the next page to this story that seems to have stalled and died mid-tale. The arms of a Jewish Carpenter support my own as they serve in hidden ways, reminded that He, too, built and blessed and lived 'small' and unseen for 30 years...and the millions of Jewish souls who suffered oppression, misfortune, and ill treatment inspire me to humbly withstand this current affliction of body and faith. The whisper of God in the wind and His Word are the only trustworthy voices of reason to heed. And when all around is shaken, even frightful in this place of beauty and turmoil, there are several things I know for sure:

my soul will bless the Lord in song and praise, even in the middle of the deepest grief I've ever know.

my God is good and can do only good.

it's still nice to crunch a red apple as you walk down the city streets on a windy day and it's ok to find heaps of peace in simply enjoying that crunch. This is how you survive the enemy in this Land: you delight in the smallest details of blessings and defy the darkness with a worship dance.

"When the world is falling out from under me I'll be found in YOU, still standing..."

Mueller...

2008-03-18T06:53:00.002-03:00

One of my favorites in the modern great cloud of witnesses said these two things:

It ill becomes the servant to seek to be rich, and great, and honoured in that world where his Lord was poor, and meek, and despised.

Do not have your concert first, and then tune your instruments afterwards. Begin the day with the Word of God and prayer, and get first of all into harmony with Him.

George Mueller lived in poverty and served the poor yet was used by God to achieve mighty acts of love because He started each day on His knees, on His face, at the feet of the King. May we do the same. I am painfully aware, here in this Land, that this is the only way worth living; the only way to truly survive - at His feet, humbled, and giving away all the riches of His grace He deems fit to funnel through us to a broken, poor, and angry world.

Just an Ordinary Stroll through the desert...

2008-03-14T12:30:00.005-03:00

You wouldn't believe me if I told you...

2008-02-28T06:25:00.003-04:00

Have you ever stayed in a 2 star hotel in a foreign country? I fear telling you all the details of what it's been like, but there have been some highlights:

I met an elderly couple from Canada at the entrance to the restaurant/bar of the hotel my first night in Cyprus. The next morning they offered to take me around the Island, so I accompanied them up the Troodos Mountain, down to Aphrodite's birthplace (the beach) and home again to Larnaca. I checked out the hotel "gym" that night to find a dark hole in the basement filled with broken 70's workout equipment, gaping voids in the wall and mirrors, and cockroaches on the floor. I opted for an outside run. I passed the day Tuesday delightfully in the sunshine, cafes, reading, praying, resting. That was a good one. Ate some raw fish for lunch and even sipped a Starbuck coffee. This day was a miracle of refreshment. Wednesday morning I hopped a ride to Limassol with a woman who works at the hotel and her friend from Whales. They dropped me to meet a friend of a friend from Canada who I had met once before in PEI- she's a Christian school teacher here. I ended up spending the day playing basketball with her high school boys, walking for miles with her along the shore, talking about God and the Holy Spirit and what He's doing in Cyprus, then we played street hockey. I stayed the night at her place instead of paying 50 Euro's for a late night taxi back to my 2 star delight...then caught the 8 am (5 Euro) Kermit-green 50 year old bus home this morning. I definitely prefer old men speaking in Hebrew to the annoying buzz of old men hollering across the bus to each other in low-Greek. Now, would you believe, I'm sitting in a seemingly fancy cafe-restaurant that is undergoing major construction (how I didn't notice this before sitting down, I don't know). The power keeps going on and off. But it's the ONLY restaurant in Larnaca that takes VISA and has internet. Dishes have fallen to the floor and broken, half of the menu is unavailable, and I may or may not have enough internet juice to post this blog...but here I am nonetheless.

When I first arrived in Cyprus I was struck by the differences between "Jew and Greek." Instead of being surrounded by Orthodox men and women listening to Scriptures being read on the headphones they always wear I found myself in a dive of a hotel restaurant listening to Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" album (on repeat) being served pork (which I couldn't stomach) and meeting my hotel neighbors. In Jerusalem, nobody notices that you're alive. Ten minutes after arriving at the San Remo every resident knew who I was, where I was from, what I did, how long I would be in Cyprus, and that I don't drink. How they knew all this escapes me even now. Oh, and on the afternoon I flew into Cyprus the country had just elected their new President - an atheist leader for the communist party! We're not in Kansas anymore...or Ein Kerem!

Needless to say, I have never in my life been more thankful for your prayers of protection. For the sake of my more worry-able audience I won't post any of the other details that have been precarious. Just believe me when I say God's been listening to your requests for safety for me. Now, in about 7 hours I will be flying home...I thank you for praying that they let me back into Israel. For Pete's sake, if they don't, pray that they send me anywhere but back here!

change

2008-02-20T11:59:00.005-04:00

fingers falling off of holding on to all a-world of things
fingers stretching, gently touching fringes of what Angel's sing

hands stop clutching, grasping, wringing life to see what I can get
hands held open trust receiving Life poured out from Heaven's breast

lips are hushing, finished rushing, finished cursing, done with lies
lips whispering, love-song singing, by holy coals now purified

feet through trudging, running proudly in the path of self's way
feet will follow behind the shadow, Guide: Shade of night and Light of Day

knees not proudly stuck in upright, lifting self's frame to the sky
knees bent send dust-man broken down, face to the ground
in awe of El-Shaddai

Sheleg Nofel B'Yerushalaiym

2008-02-11T11:00:00.000-04:00

Snow falls in Jerusalem (2 weeks ago)

It only lasted for a few days, but the city shut down. These pictures were taken around 6:00am Thursday morning. It was fun to have snow for a few days...I'm glad it only lasted a matter of hours. My heart goes out to all of you buried in the whiteness for months on end. I'm glad that this was the scene at Saturday evening sunset (the end of Shabbat)

What do you do when…

2008-02-04T09:00:00.000-04:00

…A normal day is one in which you wait an hour with your house-brother for the delayed bus to Jerusalem after a rare snow storm, then walk around the city in the slush watching shop-boys having snow ball fights in the alley way.

…A normal afternoon consists of sitting on a bus-stop bench chatting with a habit-wearing, grey-haired Franciscan monk named Anthony while he smokes his pipe and tells you that the reason he joined the order is that he met some brothers a number of years ago who had him laughing so hard he almost “peed his pants.” He felt so at home in their community he decided to give his life in consecration to God along with them.

…A normal ride home entails waiting for bus 17 for 45 minutes then accepting Brother Anthony’s offer to share a taxi back to Ein Kerem, jumping in Shabbi’s cab together, then chatting about life, family, the weather, and Yeshua in Hebrew and Arabic until reaching the desired destination.

…A normal continuation of one such evening involves walking in the slush and rain to Inger and Ruar’s house to visit with these Norwegian siblings in Christ over goat’s cheese and hot chocolate while sharing testimonies of how God has somehow brought us all here to Israel, in patched English, Hebrew, and Norwegian.

…a normal day is when all of the aforementioned things actually feel normal?

Palm trees and snowballs, a million languages, races, faces, and religions, a God Who sees them all and has a plan, and has for some reason plopped me in the middle of it all, made this place my life, and stamped it with a big “normal” seal. Whod’da thunk it? If I had enough time to think through all these things I think my processor would implode.

A Thousand Words...

2008-01-21T09:57:00.000-04:00

The hills of Ein Kerem - just outside our house

Outside our front door

The Old City from the roof of the French Hospital

Ha Kotel

This is president Bush's surveillance Zeppelin...it was outside my window at 5:30 am one day when he visited Yad V'Shem.

Our Lemon Tree

Beats me what this is...I may have eaten it one day last week in a meal??

ICE! It's cold in Israel....notably, cold is relative. My condolences to all your snow covered folks.

The weekly Shabbat Chicken

A square throne!

An old-school pump organ in our basement chapel. If only you could hear this thing too!

RHYNO'S. A picture of ones I greatly miss

Says, "Sucralose" in Hebrew - Splenda!

Says, "Colgate" in Hebrew

Oops! Typo!

My house nestled in the hillsMe

and Zvi

Me and the Old City

Donkeys at a friend's Moshav

Sunset over Judean hills

View from my balcony, 6:00am

Worship

2008-01-16T11:35:00.001-04:00

I want to be this child in worship.

In a room full of adults, politely sitting, somberly singing, an infant sits on a lap and plays and giggles and laughs out loud, not knowing any better, not falling in line with the worship protocol. Another boy sits on Mum's lap and smacks loud kisses on her in a serious moment of silence. A child can worship with extravagant love because they're so enamored with the one they rest on, the one whose arms are wrapped tightly around them. They not only don't care what others think of them, they actually aren't even aware of anything else but the center of their delight. They're oblivious of scorn and absorbed by the strength that supports them.

I want to be this child in worship.

The religious want kids to hush up for the service...Jesus wants kids to climb on His lap, tickle under His arms, bury their faces in His chest and spontaneously, freely laugh out loud with rapture. Children's laughter may well be the most beautiful sound of worship on earth (followed in second by the healing beauty of a widow's song).

**speaking of singing** A double post is on the way today:

Running is worship for me. I cannot count the number of times the Lord has met me on the treadmill, a wooded path, a long stretch of highway on a sticky summer day, or the last leg of a marathon I was sure would be the final moments of my life. Most recently He spoke to me about waiting while I was running. I love moving to tunes of adoration to the Father. Tonight I was on the treadmill in the basement of our house in Jerusalem. This particular week has been very difficult; I was tired of doing good, tired of waiting and praying and crying out before the Father yet seeing no results. I was weary of loving people, weary of my deep need for God even. Yet not weary of Him – just deeply longing for Him more than ever before. I got on the treadmill with a mixture of motives: sheer defiance against the present difficulty I faced and as a statement of faith that I would worship God and not sink into a motionless depression over the troubles I was experiencing. I began running with strength I knew was from God because I was so exhausted humanly. About 28 minutes into the run I began to grow a little tired. I started to think about stopping to walk, but within about 30 seconds the song on my MP10 player changed – it was a new song with profound lyrics lifting high the Name of my Jesus. Everything in me strengthened; my muscles found renewed energy and my heart shouted, “Run! Run! Worship HIM in motion.”

Many times when I’m working out like this I am at the edge of giving up when just in time, the song changes. It’s like this in our lives too. So often when we have come to the final fringe of our frailty the Father leans a little closer to us, puts His lips up to our ears, and makes the song change. You know Abba is continually singing over you, right? He has such a sweet, smooth voice. In His goodness He knows we cannot keep plugging along day after day to the same pace, the same beat, the same melody of life, so He waits for the moment when we most need Him, when we’re tired enough to truly hear His tune, and He begins to sing something new.

Just like when I’m on the treadmill, perhaps the outer circumstances of life won’t change. In fact, I keep running because the song has changed; we can keep serving, loving, giving, trusting God, and waiting on Him and enduring all sorts of hardship because GOD keeps singing, and His words which are eternal are also new, right along with His mercies every morning. God is not stale. He is not a one-track record stuck on repeat. He is creative, vibrant, fresh, filled with hope and joy. He is not just an artist Who finds a release for His talent through composing symphonies. He is a Lover Who delights Himself in finding just the right words to express to you, as an individual Beloved of His heart, how precious you are, how perfect He finds you to be as He gazes on you sprinkled with the Life blood of His Son, filled with the breath of His Spirit. He sings over you, Child. Perhaps right now you feel life is about to crush you and you want to give up. Keep waiting, keep living and moving and persevering IN HIM and tune your ears a little more intently to your King; who knows but that at any moment the song is about to change.

“Come dance with Me, beautiful one. Don’t just trudge through life…twirl with Me. Breathe with Me; entwine yourself around my righteous right arm of strength and honor and let me carry you through this trial, this day. I am good…hey, while you’re here will you listen for a moment. I wrote this new song for you and I want to know what you think…”

What Do You Do With...

2008-01-06T09:53:00.000-04:00

I've discovered that many items you have a certain use for in your homeland can have entirely different functions overseas. I'm going to ask you a few "what do you do with" questions then give you the Middle East answers. Ready?

What do you do with...used toilet paper?

You throw it in a rubbish bin that sits beside the toilet, of course. No flushing allowed.

What do you do with...a dirty t-shirt?

Clearly you use it to wash and dry a dirty glass cup before filling it with water and instant coffee to serve to the customer at your convenience booth.

What do you do with a cup of instant coffee served to you in a dirty cup cleaned with a dirty T-ship by a man named Zvi at a convenience booth in your town?

Clearly you drink the Nescafe and pray like crazy for protection...and pro-actively ask for healing!

What do you do with your personal donkey when he's not working in the field?

You let him roam the streets of Ein Karem all by himself, keeping him saddled, just in case a curious tourist wants to hop on for a ride I suppose (or a runner doesn't want to run up the massive hill she's on when she bumps into the donkey).

What do you do with yourself when a group of Messianic Israeli friends decide to watch the movie "Left Behind" at an apartment party in Jerusalem (a movie with terrible Hebrew, not so great theology, and a lot of lot of lot of American assumptions about Israel and the Jews).

Well, I guess you laugh when they laugh, apologize on behalf of your people when the film is offensive and ignorant, and gladly run for the door when your ride wants to leave before the film is finished.

What do you do with too big, chunky white sugar and gooey brown sugar and an oven that doesn't tell you how hot it is and Hebrew-only cook books?

You make a whole lot of balagan's when cooking for your community.

What do you do with the word "Balagan"

You use it every instance in which there is no other word to convey a very big mess!

May your upcoming week be filled with ZERO BALAGANIM (the plural of Balagam)!

~Love from Jerusalem.

Life is Beautiful

2007-12-23T09:50:00.000-04:00

This afternoon my house-brother Benjamin and I sang old school Christmas songs very loud and very off key. It was lovely. On the bus ride into Jerusalem I ran into Joseph, an older man I met on the bus last week. We sat side by side piecing together a conversation in my Hebrew and his English. I walked through the Old City today and found Christmas!!Tomorrow my community will fellowship with an Italian Catholic community of friends for Christmas eve lunch/dinner followed by a movie (in Italian). Then we will go to Abergosh for midnight mass with hundreds of Israelis. Today I found a package of Christmas bells my ladies from Maine gave me before leaving last month. I jingled them for all I'm worth. God has filled my life with good things: I live in a beautiful home with big 'ol beautiful slimy dogs, my room has a balcony with a breathtaking view (see below) my family and loved ones are only a phone call away. Threats of impending turmoil fill the air but today peace pervades in the land. The King is still on His throne; He is still shining in a dark place; He is still the Prince of Peace and the Lover of my soul. How good it is to be alive in these days, eh? Oh that men would praise His Name and mass number of Israelis would bow the knee to the Name above every Name. He is moving. Keep praying.

The Meaning of Merry

2007-12-20T10:27:00.000-04:00

Merry Christmas, Beloved friends. Christmas crouches just around the corner - five days away from my favorite holiday. And this day I find myself contemplating the meaning of "Merry."

The days ahead hold no parties for me. No trees decked with bows, no gifts, no carols. There are no fireplaces with stockings, no warm mugs of cider, no sparkle, no family, no holiday cheer filling the air with hints of a God of redemption. This week there has been heart ache and struggle, there has been nigh hand to hand combat with the enemy. There have been tears yet there has been the glowing presence of the Divine Jesus Who makes this season special, Whose Life given in birth, in death, and in resurrection for me makes me Merry indeed.

This Christmas, I know no such warmth of hugs and laughter with loved ones. Relationships here are very different. But I know the warming glow found in the embrace of Abba in a way I've never imagined. I think last year my holiday blog post wished for the salvation of the nations. Now that this year I find myself in the middle of one of these Middle nations my request remains the same, but with a slight addition:

This year, all I want for Christmas is for the love of Jesus to heal the hardest hearts, to forgive the vilest enemy, to make rich the poorest soul and to use my soul, my willingness (through HIM) to turn the other cheek, and my pocket book to do it. Ah, how this wish-list leaves my heart in broken pieces yet makes my whole being very Merry indeed. For only in union with the Holy Spirit can such a Life of Jesus be 'birthed' again in this Holy Land this Christmas.

And so, I do wish you all a very Merry week. May your merriness be one that soaks you in abiding joy in every and all circumstances, a merriness that extends itself to those you love and to the strangers in your midst. Oh, may Jesus be made brand new to each of you this Christmas.

Much love...

Delight and the Kindness of a Stranger

2007-12-16T11:02:00.000-04:00

I've been dancing. Abba has invited me to worship Him and combat the enemy in a brand new way and it is....moving. :) He has me moving to the rhythms of His grace. He has me dancing in the Garden, in our home, in my spirit with Him, in the stillness of His silence, in the quietness of my heart. I dance. He and I, we dance. Today on the bus ride into Jerusalem I listened to a tape from a brother here about how the Lord is a dancing God, a dancing King who invites us to come close and twirl with Him. I couldn't contain my joy or stifle this Spirit-filled smile the whole ride in. And people noticed. And I pray they knew it was Jesus smiling at them.

As I sat at my table in the internet coffee shop I smiled at an older man sitting at a table outside. He looked to be on the poorer end of the social scale. He smiled back and mouthed, "Shalom" through the glass. I "shalomed" back with a big smile, still filled up with God's joy. About a half hour later this man came to my table inside with a large mug of steaming hot green tea. "For you," he said. "It's new, please, try! L'hitraot." "Toda Raba!" I replied.

Sometimes you smile at people because you want them to see the pure love of Jesus in you. Sometimes God smiles back at you in the most unexpected of ways. Kindness always draws us deeper into the Kingdom of God.

Tenderness

2007-12-10T12:13:00.000-04:00

I've been recalling a quote from Allistair Begg all week in which he states,

"There is never a reason to be unkind. You can disagree and even argue, but there is never cause for unkindness."

I've been thinking a lot about the tenderness of God towards us stubborn unlovely people and how, through the Holy Spirit, He enables us to be loving, patient, peaceful, gracious, etc...

"Let your gentleness be evident to all, for God is near" (The Apostle Paul, one of his epistles)

Why do you think it is so hard to be kind? Why is the flesh so selfish and short tempered? I think the Kingdom of God is built upon humility and humility shows itself through unconditional kindness, even when wronged or when the love is not received. Oh to be tenderhearted and forgiving one another, even as Christ has forgiven us.

What are your thoughts on the matter of tender kindness?

Recipes

2007-12-06T10:21:00.000-04:00

Calling all meal savvy bloggers: I need help! I am responsible for cooking for my community a few meals a week and I need ideas and recipes! We do things like meat and potatos, chicken and rice, etc...but I am wondering if any of you have easy alternatives to that. I am looking for a few good biscuit/scone recipes too. They like things here with "rotev" - sauce - so any meals you have that include some kind of juicy stuff is great. Also, I would love to have some simple cookie or dessert bar ideas too. I am cooking for anywhere from 6-8 people, so the easier to do, the better. And here in our home we don't have pre-packaged items. Everything comes fresh, so canned or frozen ingredients are out. Beans and lentils are hard, so they need to be soaked. Garlic is the real deal, dried and whole, not in powder form. Appliances are old, so I need extra cooking time. Etc, etc. Pray I don't starve my community or poison them with bad food. Thanks for your help!

Who Is This Man?

2007-11-29T13:28:00.000-04:00

There is death; He is life.
There is pain, indescribable - He is HOPE indestructible.

There is fear, He is Faith. There is grief, but He is joy.

There is loneliness and ache;
He is companion and Friend.

There is a globe of souls needing to be saved;
He is the Sender and the Rescuer, the caller of the laborers, the Harvester; Redeemer.

He touches and there is healing. He speaks and there is peace. He breathes and there is life. He looks and love ignites.

He is passion; He knows sorrow.
He is glory; He is humility.
He is King, yet He is servent.
He is Beloved and Most High.

He leads and He follows as Protector.
He speaks and then is silent...and His silence is more sweet than words can say.

He is Perfect, yet patient with my folly.
He is Righteous and untainted by my filth.
He is Precious and unflinching at my ugliness.
He is Strength not bent by my weakness and great need of Him.

We ache, He holds. We fear, He protects.
We question, He knows.
We struggle through this thing called life and strain to find our way, our place: He is the Way, He is the Truth, He Himself is our delight. Perhaps that's all we need to know.

Who is this Man?
The Word made flesh
The Son of God
Y'shua.

Live From Jerusalem

2007-11-27T09:06:00.000-04:00

Hineini - Here I am!

It feels as though a hundred years have passed in the last four days. I don't know where to begin recounting all that has happened, but I feel like I have come home. At the same time, things are so different here. Life in our little community is unlike anything I've experienced. We eat every meal together, then clean up together. We pray and worship together every morning (in Hebrew). We have two or three prayer meetings and ministries in the evenings during the week with others in Jerusalem. We live in the foothills of Ein Kerem and I have a balcony overlooking the city right off my room. We (they) speak Hebrew 8/10 of the time. We fellowship with a charismatic Catholic community from Italy who kiss your cheeks when you meet them. I am constantly surrounded by people I don't know speaking languages I don't understand...Russian, Italian, Arabic, German, Hebrew...

I am amazed at how different life here and people here truly are from America or Canada. I definitely feel the strain of settling into a new culture with new rules and norms and expectations, styles, languages, etc. I am also amazed at how...normal it feels to be in Jerusalem. I am longing to learn Hebrew more fully and fluently, to understand more of why I am here, and to fully fulfill the plans God has for my time here. So far, each day has been jam-packed full of prayer, cooking and cleaning, fellowshipping, meeting new people, studying Ivrit, and adjusting to the pace and flow of community life and the atmosphere of Israel. I really feel like a foreigner in the midst of the people here (just like the Bible says!). I am glad for the community that has welcomed me in and I long to be a person who goes on the streets loving and accepting others rather than someone moping about how "outsider" she feels! Pray for me. Pray for the peace of Jerusalem. Fall in love with the King and share Him with everyone you meet ;)

My heart is with you all.

Ready or Not...

2007-11-22T16:41:00.000-04:00

the time has come.

A multitude of thoughts and a cacophony of emotions restrain me from posting long, but suffice it to say the seemingly never-ending three months of preparation have somehow flown by and tomorrow morning brings dawn to a season of great adventure. In forty-eight hours I will be in my new home in the East and life will suddenly become very unorthodox but very full of God. That's all I know so far. I will speak with you again when new things unfold. Grace and peace to you all; keep living in the Kingdom and giving your lives for Love.

My life for the Gospel.

Gardens

2007-11-19T13:34:00.000-04:00

earth and dust,
spit and blood,
breath of God
mix.

clay and grace,
flesh and faith,
Maker and made
kiss

and life begins.

will I walk with Him...
be His Garden again?
Or will I remain

dust

when He invites me
to intimacy -
His breath on me...

hush.

I hear Him rushing this way
calling my name,
inviting me close.
chosen.
blood.
covenant.

I stop, look up.
dust meets Breather,
clay sees Shaper
beloved greets Pursuer
purchased knows Redeemer

and we sigh.

He is Life.

A Must See

2007-11-15T09:56:00.000-04:00

I have watched it two times in two days. Inspiring, challenging, and a reminder that ours is a God of redemption, hope, and conquering the impossible. Oh to live a life of significance by sacrificing ourselves for the sake of others and daring to risk combating darkness with the Light of Christ. I pray God invites each of us to fight for a worthy cause at the expense of our safe or self-protective lives. Isn't that the invitation of the Gospel - to love God and others so much that we lose ourselves to lift them.

The Land

2007-11-13T15:05:00.000-04:00

War and turmoil, conflict and fury, grief, suffering, loss, and life, darkness and calamity, despair and helplessness, needing hope, needing love, desperate for truth and Light -this was once the state of my heart.

...and then came Jesus...

I have been loved with deepest compassion,
delivered by the strongest Hands,
given grace beyond all reason,
filled with hope beyond all measure
rescued, rested, revived,
and breathed upon with the Breath of Life.

...and then He told me to go...

To a land of war and turmoil, conflict and fury, grief, suffering, loss, and life, darkness and calamity, despair and helplessness, needing hope, needing love, desperate for truth and Light.

I want to LOVE with the heart of Him Who showed me mercy. I want to EMBRACE with hands that were healed by His strength. I want to speak hope and peace to minds in turmoil and grief. I want to be one who was broken amid those who are broken, one who loves and gives and serves at all costs, as a testament of the One Who gave all to save me.

My heart was once the same as this land where I'm going.

I don't know what to say to these people
I don't know what to do day to day or where to go
but I know the Redeemer Who rescued my life and sends me to these people and I pray that, in some way, through sharing my healed heart with them they will open theirs to Him too.

The Countdown...

2007-11-07T14:48:00.000-04:00

16 days for
Packing,
visiting,
praying,
studying (Ivrit: Hebrew),
calling,
emailing,
praying,
crying,
laughing,
rejoicing,
freakin' out,
trying to rest,
attempting to comprehend the fact that
I'm flying to the Middle East in SIXTEEN DAYS!

And guess what.....

I have a place to live.

In a Garden, in Ein Karem (a suburb of Jerusalem) in community with 5 local believers.

The Garden is where God invited me to return to Israel while we were there last March.
It's where I've wanted to stay ever since.
It's perfect; and it's fully GOD that it's worked out.
I have a HOME!
YAY, Jesus!
That makes the trip feel less scary and alone and more like going to visit family for awhile.

Here's a few pics of the garden from last spring:

Clearly I'll post more photos 17 days from now when I'm actually there and it's actually home :)

Yerushalayim Shel Zahav - Jerusalem of Gold

2007-11-01T19:38:00.000-03:00

Messiah's face was set like flint towards this city. He knew death was ahead. And so was Life.

Prophets were stoned in this city.

Apostles were shaped. The church was born. Miracles were performed. Death was swallowed up in victory. Believers were filled with the promised Comforter. David's palace was here; the Temple of the Most High God stood within the city walls and will stand again one day. The King of Kings is coming back to this city. And who am I that I too must make this place my home? And what exactly is it I'm going to do?

In Acts Paul said, "And now behold I am going to Jerusalem, drawn irresistibly by the Holy Spirit not knowing what awaits me except that the Holy Spirit has told me in city after city that jail and suffering lie ahead. But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself if only I may finish the course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God."

I have not been warned that prison lies ahead, but I do know the history of what it cost our forerunners to love the people of Jerusalem in the Name of the Lord. I am drawn irresistibly to this city by the Comforter and I have thrown my life away in order to follow Him there. I do not fear. I do have questions. And I do not know what awaits me...except that Yeshua promised to never leave nor forsake me. And His presence is enough. HE is precious enough to risk my life on; those who don't know Him yet are worth loving even at the risk of my life.

What's to come? I don't know.
Must I go? Yes.

I am deeply thankful for the great cloud of witnesses surrounding us through history and in the Word who have stood firm, loved fiercely, sung bravely, and poured out their lives as a drink offering. May you quench thirsty souls through the pouring out of our lives, Abba.

Costume

2007-10-29T22:32:00.000-03:00

This year for Big Top Bash (our church's massive games, music, candy, and party night for kids and families in our community to attend as an alternative to trick or treating and an opportunity to be Jesus to them) I decided I want to dress up as ME...without braces on. I'm so glad Dr. Greg complied!

Before three days ago...

The NEW ME!!

Do you think anyone will recognize me behind such a great disguise? :D

Mistakes

2007-10-22T22:41:00.000-03:00

If there is one blunder that I wish to be charged with

it is that I trusted God too much...

that I listened to closely

that I waited too long

that I refused to look away until I saw His face

that I rejected walking until He took my hand and led me.

I will wait. I will wait patiently and expectantly.

I will not move to the left or the right until Abba says, "Go."

If this is folly, deem me a fool,

but I would rather be a fool in Jesus

than a wise woman, charging it my way in arrogance.

Keep still, my soul, and wait thou only upon the Lord,

Melech Ha'Olam - King of the Universe

God Grows

2007-10-15T10:49:00.000-03:00

This day is pregnant with possibility.
It would be foolish for an expecting Mum
to not expect her child to come,
though she waits in preparation.
Intricacies and life necessities must be formed each day
before the hour of birthing comes.
Can her will rush it along?
No more than will could put it off.
The day will come.

This day is pregnant with possibility.
I choose to wait, expectant.
Things are growing, just beneath the surface.
I cannot hasten; I cannot halt.
so I live
and love
and laugh
and bawl
and wait
And radiantly trust that You,
Father of dreams,
Are also the Lord of time
and Your plans for this child (me)
won't come through
a moment overdue.

Un-title-able

2007-10-10T18:11:00.000-03:00

I got a ticket

I got a ticket

I got a ticket hey hey hey hey!

My flight is booked and paid for; departing for the Middle East November 23, 2007. Coming home February 24, 2008.

What on earth am I supposed to feel????

I'm heading to the woods with God tomorrow morning for a solitary 3 day retreat to hopefully discover some of that and more of His heart.

Hosanna

2007-10-08T20:53:00.001-03:00

let my life be as a palm branch
green with the newness of Your life,
thrown on the ground at Your feet
adoring You,
preparing the way for You,
broken and bent for Your glory,
crying, "Hosanna"
as the wind of Your Spirit
blows through my limbs.

"Those who went before Him and those
who followed after cried,
"Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest"

Happy Thanksgiving Canadian friends.

Put Your Foot in the Water

2007-10-04T11:13:00.000-03:00

The Israelites couldn't cross the Jordan on dry land until the priests put their feet out into the rushing water.

Peter couldn't walk on the waves until he slung his leg out over the side of the boat...in the middle of a storm.

Until Moses raised the staff for God to part the sea, the Egyptians were about to annihilate the nation of Israel.

If we want to experience the miraculous strength and provision of God we need to walk out our faith through some pretty daunting circumstances. A storm; a rushing river; an approaching army; looming homelessness. That last one's me.
I am currently working on booking a ticket to Israel for the end of November. But I don't yet have a place to stay. That's the only big thing I'm waiting on the Lord for; a home. Last night I deliberated and stressed, "Should I book a ticket before having a place to live secured?"

And Christ reminded me of how often He asked our forefathers to step out into the unseen and watch Him flesh out the plans He already had established. Will I take a giant step of faith? Will I let the deadline of seven weeks stress me out - will God come through in such a short period of time? Perhaps He likes putting Himself in seemingly impossible situations in our eyes, because then, when we see Him part the waves of obstruction we are enthralled with His glory, not our own good planning.

So, if you pray for me, please ask Abba to show me the place I know He has prepared for me to live - above that ask Him that I would rest in full faith in His Heart of goodness toward me, secure in His protection and provision to come even when I don't see it yet. Right now I have heaps of peace - pray that peace abides. Also, if anyone has great advice on where to buy a cheap airline ticket, send me a memo!! Toda Raba!

Voluntary

2007-10-02T12:57:00.000-03:00

"There was a time in your life when you were broken.
God looked inside you and what He found
was worship."
(Martin Smith to Matt Croker)

What a gift to give the Father.

Let there rise from this frame to Your Throne the sweet aroma only released from the crushed remains of a voluntary sacrifice. Spread everywhere the fragrance of the Risen King through this broken life.

You are worthy of costly worship.

When all is stripped away, Love, find in me praise.

When..

2007-09-27T22:55:00.000-03:00

When it seems days of hope have long past by-
Swallowed up in forgotten dreams and sorrow-filled yesterdays

When the darkness is so thick you cannot recall
whether the sun ever shone at one time,

When the dread of the future devours your desire to press on, to even get out of bed,

When the waiting crushes your experience of living

When being human no longer feels like being alive

When the promise seems impossible and your god seems unreachable

When you cannot pick yourself up out of the ashes which you can’t even see through your tear filled, blood shot, life drained eyes

Stop.

Breathe.

“The darkness is passing: the True Light is already shining.”

You cannot imagine the timing in which His plans for you will unfold. You could never guess what it will look like.
The point of your waiting is so you may come to know what He looks like.

The redness of His blood restores color to your life of gray.

The radiance of His face brings joy to your sullen soul.

The sparkle in His eyes shocks your heart back to life.

He will steal your breath away.

And if, today, you can barely lift the oxygen in your lungs

He’ll breathe for you instead.

“In Him we live and move and have our being”

Naphash, Yeshua.

Jesus, breathe.

He Giveth More

2007-09-24T11:23:00.000-03:00

Last night we had a good old fashion hymn sing at church. There were around a hundred of us, mainly seniors, but every age group was represented. As we sung the rich lyrics from ancestors of our faith one song specifically captured Who God showed Himself to be to me the second half of the week gone by:

He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.
His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.
(Annie J. Flint)

Life and faith has been pretty difficult this past month; the Lord allowed me to be confronted by many strong trials but in it all He proved that His grace is stronger still; His strength is enough to fill up my weakness, His provision my lack with abundance; His wisdom is higher than my planning; His timing is worth my waiting. He giveth and giveth to one so undeserving.

Since my Wednesday post the Lord brought a fresh stillness to my soul and spirit; I am learning the peace of remaining instead of fretting. He has re-convinced me of Himself and His presence; He has confirmed His plans for my trip to Israel is massive ways. I am not at liberty to share them all on-line, but I went from having no formal support (either spiritually or financially), no contacts left to search out and no assurance of my call to having full spiritual covering and accountability set in place, a commission from my church to be a field person for them which entails amazing responsibilities I cannot believe the Lord is inviting me to bear with Him in such a land at such a time as this, God gave me 5 new contacts to email and a whole lot of insight for the book He's asked me to write, and in one afternoon the Lord brought in 3/5 of the resources I need to go. I can book my plane ticket as soon as my prayer partners/mentors confirm the date with me through prayer. I am gladdened, not so much by way of the resources the Lord brought in but because of the stillness He gave me by His Spirit. I would rather have HIM than any blessing.

So, dear friends, as you find yourselves waiting on the Lord for various things in different seasons of your lives recall that often the storm rages most intensely just before the blessing comes, the darkness seems most unbearable before the dawn, the Father seems most distant before granting you a new revelation of His beauty and great care for every detail of your life.

"Sing a new song to the Lord, O my soul"...or maybe delve back into those hymns and raise an ancient anthem of praise that some of those in the great cloud of witnesses sang when they faced diverse trials of many kinds, just as we do today. God is constant, unwavering in His love towards us. Rest in Him - He giveth and giveth and giveth...

The Pre-Trip Missionary Life

2007-09-19T17:38:00.000-03:00

It's stinkin' hard. For anyone who has ever been asked of the Lord to do something but it's not quite time yet, have you walked through the challenges of emotions and doubting and seeming death of the promise before it comes to fulfillment? Have you survived the preparation stage? This week has been a struggle for me. God has used everything possible in my life circumstances to strip me bare of everything that has made me "me" up until now. It all came to a head this morning when, through some conversations, I questioned not only the validity of my relationship with God but in the midst of the darkness it seemed there was no God. I have never been so troubled than here in the midst of my nothingness losing also all sense of the Lord, my only true identity. Now that the foundations of all I am and believe have been shaken for the first time in weeks I have peace. Now in emptiness Christ can fill me with fresh truth, clearer vision, truer faith, sweeter assurance and rest in His presence. I have already been broken down and exhausted in the spiritual warfare of being a missionary and I haven't even left North America yet. But I have not lost hope: whatever God is doing in this time I know He will fulfill His plans for me, more importantly His plans for His own glory - whatever that looks like. Following Jesus is beginning to really cost me something. He is worth the price of tears, troubles, questions, loneliness, opposition, and the struggle of standing....and above all else to stand. When the foundations are shaken what can we do, other than plant our feet in the Word of God and cling to Jesus, our only, ONLY hope.

Well, all that being spilled I realized that I have not requested openly enough the prayer support I desperately need right now on this missionary journey, not just after my plane takes off. What I'm doing is asking people to commit to pray for me one day per week (the same day weekly) starting now until I return home. So, if anyone would like to partner with me and help me stand firm in the Lord (as pertaining to Israel and even my own faith) could you leave me a comment saying which day of the week you would like to commit to pray? I'll make a chart this week so that I know everyday is covered. I am painfully aware of how unbearable this Pre-trip time is without you all, family of Christ. Thanks for reading and considering praying for me. May the Lord make His face shine upon you, even in you own darkest nights.

Stitches Removed, Scar Revealed...Scab Requested

2007-09-13T12:25:00.000-03:00

That about sums up this week for me.

Nine days ago I figured I'd never walk again. Well, I'm not sure you could quite call the way I shuffle around "walking" but I am off crutches and most of the painkillers and am on the slow-going road to recovery. Thanks to everyone who has helped me along the way and put up with my stubborn determination.

I have posted and shrunk pictures of the wound at various stages below; click on them for a larger picture if you dare. I'm afraid these pics are going to get my blog flagged, so in case my blog suddenly disappears and you can't access it anymore you know why ;) This is by far the grossest thing I've ever posted...or lived through! How it has sifted me in very un-pretty spiritual ways too. God will use everything to make us more this His Son.

Here's some shots (Seriously, only click on them if you've got a steady stomach at the moment!):

Fullness of Grace

2007-09-08T13:42:00.000-03:00

There is always cause for rejoicing.

I've been visiting my Mom and Dad for the past week in PEI and it's been wonderful. We had a bit of an adventure Thursday night when I went for a run, tripped on a chain at a park, and split my knee open clear to the bone. By the grace of God there was one other person in the whole park that night - an elderly man who picked me up, helped me in his truck, got my mom from our house and drove us the 1/2 an hour in to the hospital to meet my Dad. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't been there - there's no way I could have walked home with all the blood....etc...

As we drove to the hospital (and I held my knee together, trying not to pass out) I thanked Lloyd for bring a miracle of God and prayed for favor in the emergency waiting room: when we arrived the room was empty. My Dad's a pastor who frequents the hospital for visits. He said he's never seen the room empty at 5:30 in the evening. How thankful I am for the grace of God. I had to wait about 15 minutes then got my own room with a bed, where I waited an hour for the Doctor. Mom and Dad and I joked and quoted our favorite scenes from romantic comedy movies where people are in the hospital. Then the doctor came in and began the "scrubbing" process first without anesthetics, then loaded me up with them and scrubbed on. My Dad held my hand while I cried and writhed. It is out of the fullness of God's grace that I did not pass out. It's His grace that I was in Canada when this happened, not overseas or even in the States. It's His grace that I have parents who love me and help me hobble around on crutches as I recover (from the swollen mess and 6 stitches across the 2 inch gash). Perhaps in His sovereignty the Lord will use this to draw Lloyd (our neighbor who drove me in town) to Himself.

So, this week my plans of relaxing and helping around the house have been thwarted as well as my return date to PI, my running regime is indefinitely put on hold, my emotions are on edge and I am a whole lot of sore and frustrated that my independence has slipped away, but I see somehow in the midst of it all a God Who sustains the universe with His hand, Who has a sovereign plan, and who will use even a leg wound in one of His daughters to bring Himself glory and flood me with His grace. So I could be mope-ing....but what would that help? Instead, "I will bless the Lord at all times; His praise will continually be on my lips." So, I'll see ya when I can move again, friends in PI, and I'll blog...sometime. May peace and grace uphold you all.

OK, Hold the Phone...

2007-08-29T12:29:00.000-03:00

This one time (five minutes ago) one of my best mates (Elizabeth) and I were conversing about this whole Israel deal and a brand new revelation dawned on me as we nonchalantly chatted. I was recounting to her how confused and frustrated I was this morning as my prayer partner Christine and I prayed and as I read emails from some of my contacts. I can't make anything come together for this 3 months trip. I can't see what God is going to put together. So....perhaps....He's not going to put specifics together until I actually get in country. Maybe I'm supposed to arrive, get rested, then call my contacts and say, "Hey, I'm a few hours or minutes or miles from you. Can I come volunteer with you and interview you for a few days or weeks?" Then the Lord fill unfold it from there. I am beginning to believe that's how it will go. So, maybe as I've been expecting God to put a whole lot of specifics in place starting right now, perhaps He wants me to just keep trusting Him, allow Him to bring in the cash, and then...go. Maybe He will have a place lined up for me to stay before departure day. Maybe He won't. But I'll go anyways, because He has called to me.

Well, all the stress I felt in wondering how God was going to do what I thought He needed to do to prepare the way for me evaporated through this conversation as I realized maybe those things are not in His prep plan at all. I said to Elizabeth, "I hope He at least lets me take some of my clothes; He wouldn't even give the disciples that." :) She seems to think all I really need is a Bible, a banana, and my Nalgene. Eeek. So, what if, this God Whom I adore and trust with all I am doesn't compile a big list of for sure contacts or fill in a preset itinerary for the trip. Will I still follow? I feel a new sense of freedom and suspense in this adventure as God strips away thing after thing I thought I needed to have in place to undertake this journey. I will go, Lord, whether You show me much or show me little, whether I have just enough to pay for the plane ticket or enough to cover the whole 3 months. You are faithful every day. I was going to post a list of prayer requests and things I "need" for November's Israel adventure. But instead I ask that you pray for this for me: faith like a child; obedience; the humility of Jesus; great nearness to Abba. If I'm close to Him then I can trust Him, whether He makes all things clear or keeps them hidden.

What an intriguing God.

Thanks, friends, who have listened and prayed and supported me so far. I need you very much as I follow this way.